Date Lab: ‘We were sort of roasting each other,’ he says

When David’s phone battery died at 8:30, ending the date, they had been on Zoom for three hours, which he characterized as “a surprisingly long time.” But when I spoke to both daters the next day, neither had reached a verdict on whether they liked the other.

“You just need that in-person dynamic,” said David, who struggled with virtual flirting. Observed Riley: “How you can tell if you’re interested in someone, or if they’re interested in you, are very different in virtual dates. There’s the cliche move where you’ll find a reason to touch someone. You can’t do that. Or someone suggests going to another bar.” What they had instead was banter, battery life and a mutual willingness to go boldly into the awkward and unknown. Neither had been on a virtual date before.

Their conversation started with the discovery that they went to the same high school in Northern Virginia, although at different times, and that both had dialed in to the Zoom from their parents’ homes. A first-year medical student, David had been attending virtual classes from his childhood bedroom since the pandemic shut down his campus, and he went on the virtual date in a room near those occupied by his parents and sisters. (Hence the need for the relative privacy of AirPods.) Riley, who works at an LGBTQ rights nonprofit, chose sheltering with loved ones over isolation in her D.C. apartment. The date took a playful and sometimes teenage tone as they gossiped about teachers and interacted with the Chow family dog when it wandered into view.

“We were sort of roasting each other,” said David, noting that Riley teased him for being old. Riley characterized the conversation as “more lighthearted.” She recalled that their high school newspaper once published its own version of Date Lab. “Every time I saw a senior paired up with a freshman, I was like —” she gasped dramatically — “the scandal of it all! But now four years is nothing.”

Riley’s humor appealed to David. “That’s kind of what I’m looking for, someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously,” he said. A self-described “sorority girl turned activist,” Riley kicked off her work-from-home era by dyeing her blond hair purple. (She described this as her version of DIY quarantine pastimes like baking bread.) When Date Lab called, she wondered if her appearance would damage the match. “My profile was very much blond,” she said, noting that she’d listed “Legally Blonde” as a favorite movie. “Like, what if this guy is obsessed with blondes?”

He isn’t. But Riley’s age did, in fact, concern him. “When I was 26, I wasn’t necessarily looking for something super serious,” he said. When David was a senior, Riley wasn’t even a freshman; she was in middle school. The scandal of it all!

A hockey enthusiast and the son of a nurse and a doctor, David initially resisted a career in medicine. “I was a really s—ty high school student,” he said with a laugh. “I didn’t think I could hack pre-med. But I figured out the whole student thing in college.” Being a medical student has so far eclipsed his love life. A classmate gave him a piece of advice: “ ‘Don’t fall behind and don’t fall in love while you’re in medical school,’ ” said David. His most recent first date, before Date Lab, was last summer.

He’s interested in another date with Riley, but only if it’s in person. Now that he’s tried it, he thinks first dates via Zoom may not work for him.

At the time, Riley agreed. The video format had removed useful physical cues while amplifying physical self-consciousness. One hour into the date, David announced that Riley’s video feed had frozen. “I’m very alarmed of what face I froze on,” she said.

But as weeks passed, and the stay-at-home order continued, Riley realized she could not tolerate an indefinite shutdown of her love life. She reconnected with a pre-pandemic love interest on Instagram and has been on several FaceTime first dates. For the most part, the dates have been good. And when one went poorly, she knew how to escape: “I faked my AirPods dying.”

David: 4 [out of 5].

Riley:  3.75. “I would give it a 4 if it was in person and went this well.”

No further contact.

Maureen O’Connor is a writer in New York.