Carolyn Hax: Husband won’t quit lamenting workplace imbalance
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been married for 14 years, and for the past 11, my husband, (“Joe”), has been in the same job, working alongside a colleague who predated him at the small company. The colleague is not very good at what they do and doesn’t take initiative, which means Joe has to run most of the projects in the office, even though they are technically peers.
Their mutual boss knows this but doesn’t do anything about it. Some people think the colleague is senior to Joe since the colleague has been there longer, which bothers Joe a lot. Also, Joe suspects the colleague is getting paid the same, even though Joe works twice as much as the colleague.
I’ve had to hear Joe complain about this person on and off for 11 freaking years. I’ve tried listening, making suggestions, trying to provide some perspective — saying, for example, if this colleague is the worse part of a job you otherwise like and pays well, then so be it, etc. — but I feel like it hasn’t improved. I’m still hearing about colleague weekly, if not daily.
Is there a point when I can tell Joe that I’m just so sick of hearing about the colleague and that he either needs to do something about it, change his views on it or just stop mentioning it to me?
— Oh, It’s Groundhog Day again
Oh, It’s Groundhog Day again: Sure. It’s a fair complaint. And a loving one, if you say it warmly and if saying it means you don’t start rejecting his companionship out of wild-eyed exasperation that you haven’t given him a chance to address.
It may be too late for this, or maybe you’ve already tried it as part of the million ways you’ve urged him to talk about something else. But . . .
Joe does have choices, as we all do, even if he thinks he has no other options for employment. Whether he knows it or not, Joe is choosing to stay in this situation over job-hunting or being unemployed.
You could use this word, too: prefers. He actually prefers this to the alternatives. When he no longer prefers to do his colleague’s work for him gratis over the alternatives, and no longer prefers to do nothing about his situation except complain about it, then Joe will presumably start looking for other work.
If he is able to see it that way, then maybe it’ll lessen or even stop the chafing of feeling “stuck” against his will.
Re: Joe: Love the Econ talk. I’m an economics professor and your mention of trading off characteristics and that Joe must “prefer” something about this job sound a lot like my consumer theory lecture!
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Next stop, Hollywood!
Re: Joe: He needs an alternative coping mechanism. It doesn’t even have to necessarily involve her. He’s just been relying on an unconditionally open ear out of necessity and convenience not realizing the long-term effect it’s having on his wife.
— Anonymous 2
Anonymous 2: Good point. And her letting him know it’s affecting her is a good place to start figuring out a Plan B. Thanks.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
