Trump’s (tremendous) Gettysburg address

“Four score and seven years ago. Not everyone knows a score. People ask me, they say, ‘What’s a score?’ Fauci the other day. What’s a score? Not everyone knows. The score is the best it’s ever been. Under Trump, 87. Under Obama, not so much.

“Eighty-seven tremendous, tremendous years ago — and some years that were not so great, frankly — our fathers brought forth; also the mothers, the great suburban mothers. Biden wants to take away their dream. Our fathers and our mothers brought forth a new nation. How they did it: not so good. Not so perfect. A lot of people got hurt. Some were bad people, but a lot of them were good. The king of England, not everyone agrees he was so bad, but now they have a queen. Very few people know this.

“Someone told me Thomas Jefferson ate by himself at the White House and was the smartest one ever. I don’t think so. I don’t think so. I frankly think my IQ — people tell me it is tremendous. The doctors see and they can’t believe it. They say, ‘Mr. President, this is unbelievable!’ It’s called a ‘cognitive test.’ Biden’s afraid to take it. Sleepy Joe.

“My people, the best people, they tell me Thomas Jefferson made a good deal when he bought Louisiana, the great state of Louisiana, for 3 cents an acre. I say he must have read my book.

“Our fathers and mothers believed in liberty and the prop . . . uh . . . the prop . . . a . . . ma . . . gician that all men are created equal. The ladies, not so much. Melania is a 10. Hillary? Like I said, not so much. Merkel? Not so much.

“Now we are met on a battlefield where, frankly, there were very fine people on both sides. Some of them got killed. A lot of them, but not all. Obama would have let all of them get killed. I happen to prefer soldiers who don’t get killed.

“When I was making America greater than it has ever been — and I will do it again; only I can fix it after the kung flu, they call it the co-ro-na-virus, they call it covid, since when does a disease have so many names? Once it washes through, it’s going to wash through sooner or later and I happen to think sooner. It’s called testing. The United States does it better than anybody and guess what? More cases. The fake news — those people right over there, I call them the fake news — they don’t want you to know this. Only I can bring us back to where we were before China.

“I look around at this great, beautiful, tremendous battlefield with the cemetery full of people who gave what I like to call the last, full measure of devotion. Think about it: full measure. Not taking a knee against our great flag. Not antifa. It’s more devotion than at any time ever in the history of our country. And I can do it again.

“I’ll get up there and put my hand on a big, beautiful Bible. I love the Bible. I love God. Biden will do away with God. Biden will take away the Bible. It’s sad. But folks, they are nasty, nasty people. I will bring us together like you’ve never seen.

“So let us highly resolve that government of the people, the very fine people — not the people over there, the fake news. They said Russia, Russia, Russia. A hoax. The greatest witch hunt in history. No one has ever been tougher on Russia than me. Abraham Lincoln, Honest Abe. Very few people know he was called that. Lincoln was beautifully tough on Russia. But only sometimes. No one has been tougher than me.

“Read the books! Read the manuals! I talk to my generals — some very fine, very tough generals. They tell me they’ve never seen anything like it. Before we came in, the United States was perishing from the earth. Perishing. It means, like, dead. That’s what Biden wants. People call him Sleepy Joe. Scary Joe. Joe Biden. He is Not. All. There. Not all there.

“Apparently Lincoln also gave a speech here, but people tell me mine is much better. Lincoln’s ratings were terrible. It’s called winning, folks. A simple thing called winning.”

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