Gene Weingarten: Time for another round of jokes retold as poems

By Gene Weingarten,

The Application

Shmuel decided to apply to a club
Famous for never admitting a Jew.
His friend said to Shmuel, “Don’t be a schlub.
It’s a pointless idea. They’ll never take you.”

But Shmuel was savvy. He’d developed a plan
He said he was Throckmorton Williams III,
And went Sundays to church like a good Christian man,
And also that “Jesus” was his Google password.

He was doing quite well, his acceptance forecast
Nothing they’d asked the least did annoy him.
“Is golfing your passion?” they queried, at last.
Sure,” he said, “just as with all of us goyim.”

The Patrol Car

A cop on patrol sees a curious sight.
An elderly woman falls out of a car.
Making sure she’s okay, he takes off in flight,
The car drove right on! It was just plain bizarre.

He catches the driver, Jeffrey McGuinn.
Your wife, she fell out! Did you know, Jeff?
“No, but I’m glad,” McGuinn said with a grin.
“I thought for a moment I was going deaf.”

The Elderly Mom

A woman, at 80, gave birth to a child!
Her best friend arrived, and hugged her and smiled.
“I can’t wait to see her,” she said, love in her eyes.
“Not now,” said the mom. “We’ll wait till she cries.”

“I don’t have much time, and I won’t perturb her.
How about now — it won’t disturb her.”
“Let’s wait till she cries,” said the new mommy.
“Then you can see her. Here, have some salami.”

But the friend was insistent. “Let’s see her right now!”
The ladies were silent, the mother, somehow
Was deeply upset. She’d not been berefter.
“Okay! I’ll admit it. I forgot where I left her.”

The Talking Dog

A man who stops for gas a sign espies
That says a dog out back has quite a knack.
He speaks English, it says, and also is wise.
Though doubting this, the fellow ambles back.

And there he is: “Good day, sir,” says the hound.
The man is floored, and tells the talking creature.
His skill, his gift, could all the world astound.
“To what use have you used this brilliant feature?”

“Oh, I’m retired now but once did I work
In secret for this country’s CIA.
A dog can go where he wants and just lurk.
And overhear whatever bad guys say.”

“I’ve been to Moscow, also to Beirut
And brought back info of enormous worth.
I’d tell of more but must remain quite mute:
The details could make trouble on this Earth.”

Inside, he finds the owner of the store
And asks to buy the dog, if he will sell.
“For twenty bucks and not a penny more
He’s yours, and you can take his leash as well.”

“How can it be so little is enough?”
“He’s full of crap — he never did that stuff.”

Pokes adapted from “Old Jews Telling Jokes.”

Email Gene Weingarten at weingarten@washpost.com. Find chats and updates at washingtonpost.com/magazine.

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