Bubble envy: The best, worst and weirdest moments from a surreal ‘Bachelorette’ premiere

As the Tuesday night premiere opens, Bachelorette Clare Crawley, a 39-year-old hairstylist from Sacramento, talks about her life the past few months — about how hard it’s been that she can’t see her mother, who’s in a care facility because of dementia. She acknowledges that “there are bigger things in the world happening” than her love life. But hey, if ABC is offering her the chance to quarantine at a Palm Springs, Calif., resort and date 31 men who’ve tested negative, she’s taking it. This is America in the middle of a pandemic: The reality-TV show must go on.

“I know what I’m looking for,” Crawley tells host Chris Harrison before meeting her men. “I know what I want. It’s not a bad thing.”

It’s not a bad thing. But here are the best, worst and weirdest moments from night one.

He’s one of the last ones out of the limo and the one who makes the biggest splash: Dale Moss, a 32-year-old former NFL wide receiver from South Dakota. After they meet, Crawley says out loud: “I feel like I just met my husband.” Now, Bachelorettes say this a lot. However, Bachelorettes also have a track record of frequently ending up with the guy who gets their first-impression rose, and Moss takes that honor Tuesday night. “I’m big on energy and vibes,” Crawley says, noting that she and Moss have a strong connection. (He calls himself an “empath,” which is a little woo-woo for our taste, but he’s so cute, we’ll let him have it.) Viewers who have been paying attention know this season won’t go as planned, and Moss could have something to do with that.

Okay, Crawley and “Bachelorette” contestants, we get it. You can hug people. Can you not brag about it?

During the episode, producers take great pains to show how seriously they are taking the task of filming a dating show during a pandemic. Extended scenes feature the contestants wearing masks, getting tested and patiently isolating while they wait for their results.

Once they are given the green light, they are free to … well, touch each other. “I definitely don’t take it for granted knowing that we can hug each other, kiss and date without having to worry about getting covid,” Crawley says. “I’m ready for it. Bring on the men!”

The men are brought on, many hugs are given, and honestly? It’s really hard to watch!

Remember what it was like to be able to have casual physical contact with crushes or attractive strangers — let alone friends and family — without worrying that you might give them (or contract) a deadly virus? Yeah, we don’t, either.

Naturally, Harrison also rubs it in: “It feels great to give you a hug, we can actually hug again! Welcome back, hugs,” he says to Crawley when they greet each other. “Honestly, no one else in the rest of world is able to fall in love and find love the way you’re doing it right here.”

While we seethe with jealousy, at least Crawley acknowledges her good fortune. “I haven’t even hugged anybody for months,” she says tearfully as she greets her suitors. “Sorry if I get emotional about this, but I woke up this morning just feeling like that could be my last morning that I’d have to do alone. And it was just such a good feeling.”

The contestants feel the same way: Zac C., an addiction specialist from New Jersey, tells her it’s his first hug in six months. AJ, a software salesman from California, doesn’t even know what to do with himself. “It was the first time I’ve touched a woman in months,” he tells the camera. “And it felt amazing. Her hands are so soft.” Cut to: Crawley showing off the indentation on her hands, because he squeezed so hard that her rings dug into her skin. Oh right, we don’t miss all forms of physical touch.

“Bachelorette” intros are always weird. The men saunter out of limos in silly costumes, showering the leading lady with cheesy lines. It’s hard to remember everyone’s name: This season, there are two Blakes, Jordans and Tylers, plus a Zac and a Zach, a Brendan and a Brandon. However, producers do consult on these intros, so where was the adult in charge of reining in Jay Smith, the 29-year-old fitness director from Fort Lauderdale, who walked out wearing a straitjacket? He tells Crawley he’d “gone a little crazy” waiting to meet her.

Smith’s official cast bio says he “spent way too much of his allowance on clothes from Abercrombie & Fitch.” Well, Jay would’ve been better served by wearing an old rugby shirt, even if it’s faded and a few sizes too small. Not only are straitjackets outdated and rarely used in psychiatric facilities, but now is a particularly bad time to a make mental health into a punchline. During the pandemic, a third of Americans have been showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression, according to the Census Bureau.

The worst part of the worst gag? Jay keeps the straitjacket on all night, even as his name is called at the rose ceremony. Get this man a stylist before the next episode, please!

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