Miss Manners: Friend insists on drinking on my porch every night

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: Before the pandemic, I used to meet up with an old friend of nearly 20 years a few nights a week at a local watering hole, and we would also watch football together on Sundays at my house.

Come March, the pandemic hit and we all quarantined: me with my college-age daughter and him by himself. We kept in touch, and when I would order groceries, I would get him food as well, keeping some distance while I delivered to his back door.

Well, restrictions were loosened, and we have both tested negative for the coronavirus (so has my daughter). The bars and restaurants are only starting to reopen, but for the past six weeks, he has taken an Uber to my house every night for “porch drinking,” which consists of him drinking large amounts of whiskey (which he brings) and retelling the same stories I have heard before.

One night he came over while I was sleeping (I had taken a late afternoon nap), helped himself to a drink, and started drinking and smoking on my back porch.

He arrives with no invitation. On the few occasions where I have brought this up, he has said he will never “grace me with his presence again,” adding that his lease is running out anyway, so he will just move elsewhere. But the next day, he shows up on my porch and says he doesn’t remember saying anything like that, then promptly starts drinking.

One time I sent him away, and he then claimed he was going to visit relatives in another state the next day, and would catch up with me in a month when he returned. He showed up at my house the next night.

I liked the previous arrangement. It was at a neutral location, and I could go to the bar if and when I wanted to, and stay only as long as I wanted. Now I just feel trapped in my own home.

This man’s relatives seem to have learned to do what you have not: how to become unavailable, even though family concern over his behavior seems to be warranted.

But for immediate protection, try, “I am sorry, but we are going to need to return to the old plan when we can meet at a neutral location. My home is not an option, certainly not when I am unavailable. You scared me half to death when you showed up unannounced, and I wouldn’t want to mistake you for an intruder and call the police.”

Dear Miss Manners: How do I introduce my son’s ex-wife, who is still very much a beloved member of the family?

By using her name. Yes, people are nosy and enjoy context, but Miss Manners assures you that that does not require you to succumb to it.

If there are follow-up questions, you may dismiss them with, “She’s a dear member of the family.” If it’s applicable and you really want to give them pause, “Her children are our grandchildren” should sufficiently confuse them into silence.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin