Carolyn Hax: When turning 30 becomes an existential crisis

By Carolyn Hax,

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Aug. 30, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: Turning 30 is completely messing with my mind. All those stereotypical midlife-crisis movies suddenly make a lot more sense. Being single with no prospects is really weighing on me. My suddenly mediocre job is weighing on me. Not being 20 is weighing on me. Please tell me turning 31 is easier?

— Washington

Washington: It is, unless everything goes to heck and you get into a difficult relationship you dread ending and someone you love love love dies and that mediocre job becomes the one rock you can cling to and you find yourself wondering why you were ever so worked up about one stinkin’ birthday.

Not that I’d want that for anyone. I’m just saying. Life gets cranky when you try to live it according to some schedule, like married by 26 and billionaire by 30 and whatever else we’re supposed to tick off the list.

Take this bad feeling as an invitation to scrutinize what you’re doing, see what it’s all worth to you and make any changes that you’ve always secretly envisioned and that are in your power to make. Don’t be rash or drastic. Just go for open-minded and brave.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve had some tough blows lately, the kinds of things that lead friends and even slight acquaintances to offer sympathy and help. My style was to tough it out, which earned me great praise for strength, dignity, blah blah blah.

Trouble is that now that everyone has moved on, assured that I am just fine, I am starting to crumble. Seems too late to ask for support, and frankly I don’t want to lose all those strength and dignity points. Yes, I am in therapy — just started. Did I do adversity wrong? Is it too late to correct?

— Crumbling

Crumbling: There is no “wrong”; you did what you felt you needed to do. Now you’re seeing that you needed to do something else, and so you’re doing something else. Yay.

It may not feel like a rousing success story, but you’re actually succeeding wildly at something so many people struggle with — listening to themselves, and taking action. Not as easy as it sounds.

As for the specifics, it’s not too late, and “dignity points” don’t mean anything if they’re obtained through falsely brave pretenses. You’ll rack up genuine dignity points if you choose to confide in one or two of your close friends that you may have overestimated your strength and suddenly find yourself feeling all crumbly and in need of someone to lean on. That takes guts.

Dear Carolyn: I have a question about manners. I say on the Metro you should give your seat up for the disabled and the elderly. Last time I checked, women choose to have babies, therefore they aren’t disabled. My friend says they should be afforded the courtesy. I think I’m already paying for them and their kids (i.e., school costs, time away from work). If you can’t stand, don’t get pregnant. Who’s right?

— D.C.

D.C.: Try this: Who’s kind?

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.