Sharing the workload at home when one child has special needs
By Meghan Leahy,
Q: My husband and I have two sons, a tween and a teen. Our teen excels at a sport, which is extremely time-consuming (even during the pandemic), and my husband has been an assistant coach for his teams for years. Our teen doesn’t seem to care that my husband coaches.
Our tween has a neurological disorder that can make him challenging to be around. Of course we adore him, but he is very loud, is sometimes dangerous, talks incessantly and easily spins out of control. He cannot be left alone, and we have cycled through a number of caregivers trying to find someone who can stay with him for even a few hours.
Our teen’s sport can consume the entire weekend, nearly every weekend. And there’s two lengthy practices a week. My husband accompanies him, and I am home with our tween. I love our tween with all my heart, but it’s hard to be alone with him for hours and hours. And I want to watch our teen play the sport he loves, but I can’t, because taking our tween anywhere is a project, and I spend the entire time managing him.
I asked my husband to stop coaching for a season, or at least stop coaching games. He refused, saying he was needed. (He’s not; there are many assistant coaches.) He also said he enjoys coaching and spending time with our teen, and he shouldn’t have to give it up. He said I was being selfish. I am so angry with him. Am I selfish? Am I being unfair to my husband and teen?
A: Thank you for writing. There are many, many issues in this note, and I want you to know that you are not alone. Many families face parenting tweens with neurological issues — and the exhaustion that can come with it. I am guessing that your situation has worked for a number of years, and that’s good! It’s important to acknowledge that your family has made some great things work: Your teen has been able to flourish in his sport as your husband has coached him, and you have successfully parented your younger son all these years. And now, we have come to a point where change is needed. This is not a sign of failure. Every family comes to a point where they need changes. Family life is filled with twists, turns and some forks in the road; you find yourself in one now.
I don’t know many of the other details about what is happening in your family, such as your son’s diagnosis and its severity, or the state and overall health of your marriage, so in the absence of these details, I can only offer the most basic of guidance, which is always a good place to begin.
First, I recommend walking back from reaction to proaction. I feel your frustration as the parent doing some emotional (and physical) heavy lifting. It is emotional work to support your tween, and it is also hard to feel as if you cannot be with your other son. You may feel as if your spouse is having all the fun, while you are stuck with the work; that, of course, is going to lead to some resentment. Naturally, you want to share this workload with your husband, but requesting he quit something he has done for years was going to be met with understandable resistance. It isn’t that you don’t deserve support; it is how you go about the changes needed in your family.
You need a reboot, and you need meetings, stat. The first meeting is with your spouse. You need to sit down with your husband and do a true “state of the nation” with him. Outline where both of your time and energy (yours and his) have been spent, then imagine, together, where you see the family going. This meeting should be seen as an ongoing event — a regular place to have a conversation about the needs and wants of the family. My spidey sense tells me you may have been holding in a good bit of your resentment.
Also, an important aspect of these (daily, weekly, monthly) meetings must address what your tween needs as he rounds the turn on teenhood. Again, I don’t know the specifics of your son’s disorder, but ever-changing hormones, growth spurts and the need for autonomy will require some attention from his pediatrician, psychologist, psychiatrist, occupational therapist and anyone else on his team. It is typical to put a child on a program, system or medication, then not make the proper tweaks as the child ages.
My hope is that you and your husband, rather than telling each other what the other needs to do, will work together to sacrifice, compromise and, yes, find some joy in your family life. This is mature and ongoing work. You may decide to work with a therapist or parent coach who specializes in your son’s neurological disorder, and this can facilitate clearer and kinder communication.
I also want these meetings to yield some parity in the raising of both of your boys. You may not coach your older son, but there must be a way for you to attend practices or games. And your husband can find a way to spend more time with your tween — not only to lift the work from your shoulders, but also to be a father to his son.
Finally, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that, although I don’t know if you are a “wife” or a woman, there is a substantial lopsided difference in the family workload between men and women. And when it comes to raising a child with a neurological disorder, it can often be the case that the work falls on the shoulders of the mother. I don’t find that parents mindfully choose this inequity; it just kind of happens. But being the person with the knowledge and experience is exhausting, and, worst of all, it becomes like a snake eating its tail. The more you know about your tween, the more expertise you have. And the more expertise you have, the more of the workload you assume. (It is just easier.) And round and round it goes, until you are trapped in the house, full of resentment and exhaustion.
I want to be clear: This isn’t your fault. It is simply a dynamic that takes hold across many families because of generations of women shouldering the work of child-rearing, while only adding to their plates (working outside of the home and more). Your burnout is real, and you deserve support. Check out the Tilt Parenting Facebook page for a community and resources to help you move forward. Good luck.
[Send questions about parenting to meghan@mlparentcoach.com]
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