Miss Manners: Relative lets out long-held grudges

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: A cousin has blocked me on social media. It turns out that I have grievously offended her over the past 20 to 25 years.

This is the first I have heard of such complaints, and our pre-coronavirus family get-togethers were always cordial. I honestly don’t recall doing the things that she said I did, although I admit that my memory is far from perfect.

I also am wondering why we are discussing things that may or may not have happened, going back to the previous century. I said that I was sorry for whatever I did. (I realize that this sounds dangerously like those “apologies” that say, “I’m sorry that you were offended” or “I’m sorry that you are so sensitive.”)

I really would like to be on good terms with this branch of the family, but I don’t have a time machine, so I’m not really sure what I should be sorry for having done. Nonetheless, I am sorry for hurting her feelings.

Is there anything else I should do, or is the ball in her court? I truly wish that she had pointed out any offenses when they occurred.

Saving up complaints is neither kind nor, as you note, effective: No one fixes what they do not know is broken.

But just as you cannot change your past behavior, neither can she. If you wish to continue the relationship, Miss Manners suggests you not only apologize sincerely (as you have), but also make clear that you understand what you are being asked to change in the future. Then, it would be wise to show patience while you demonstrate that you are making good on that promise.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband received a prestigious award from the Navy, but because he’s a civilian, his bosses provided no guidance on letting our families know. I plan to post an announcement on social media.

My folks are in a Navy town and will be bragging happily. His parents will be proud … eventually. In the meantime, his mother will be mean and critical and will talk about herself.

Could I say, “Congratulations only to (husband’s name),” or is there a better way to steer the online responses? I want him to receive hearty congratulations, while avoiding his parents’ awkward attempts to make this about themselves.

I swear, if I leave the announcement up to my husband, it will not happen at all; he went right back to work after we had lunch out with his friends.

It is a rare and proud moment for our families, and would be fun to see his mother’s chagrin. My concern is that MIL will construe any communication from us as an invitation to visit.

Your husband’s approach is the one most likely to achieve your own goals, albeit at a future date. If no one tells your mother-in-law, she will not be able to complain. And when she does find out, she will be both annoyed and unable to use it as a reason to come share her chagrin.

Miss Manners realizes this does not provide an opportunity to brag to friends. But perhaps pride in your husband’s accomplishment — and in his becoming modesty — could be a substitute.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin