Miss Manners: Keep using a name until told otherwise

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I live in a small suburb and know the local shopkeepers well — including Jessica, the young lady who works at the pet shop. We call each other by our first names, but lately it seems to me that she is no longer a young lady but is becoming a young man.

I don’t want to call her Jessica if she no longer identifies as female. Should I ask her employer if she still goes by that name, or should I continue to call her Jessica until someone corrects me?

It is a long-standing Miss Manners rule not to make assumptions until you have been given the information personally.

Perhaps you can take advantage of the pandemic — especially if you have not visited in a while — and reintroduce yourself the next time you see this shopkeeper, providing an opening to do likewise. You might also ask the employer if name tags are an option.

Dear Miss Manners: When the pandemic allows it, I would like to invite over acquaintances who have hosted my husband and me in the past. I believe it is good manners to reciprocate invitations.

The problem is that I live in a small apartment with no space to host families with kids. How can I invite them, without their kids, in a polite way? If it is not possible, what do you suggest? I do not want them to think that I am not grateful for their hospitality.

Find some nearby outdoor space. “We would love to have the whole family over, but are afraid that our apartment is small and ill-equipped for children,” you might say. “How about a local park where the kids can run free and the adults can talk?”

And then Miss Manners suggests you supply the picnic. If, however, your friends protest, saying that your apartment is fine and they will leave the kids at home, it will have been their idea and not yours.

Dear Miss Manners: This happened in 1974. I was outraged then, and I’m still outraged now when I think about it.

My then-fiance and I had just sat down to eat in a diner when the manager came over, saying that another guest objected to the baseball cap my fiance was wearing. He told him to remove it, which, embarrassed, he immediately did.

I don’t feel it was the manager’s place to say anything. Nothing about our looks or behavior was objectionable. I am not even sure my fiance was the only man wearing a cap.

How should this have been handled? I was all for getting up and leaving immediately, but he was hungry.

Perhaps it was the sports team depicted on the cap and not the cap itself that the guest found offensive?

It is true that gentlemen should not be wearing hats indoors. But it should be the policy of the establishment, not the preference or mandate of a guest. And it certainly should be one that is universal to all patrons.

Regardless, Miss Manners would not want to deprive you of an almost half-century grudge.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin