Ask Amy: Family should explore legacy of trauma

By Amy Dickinson,

Dear Amy: I am the oldest of 13 first cousins on one side of the family. Many of these cousins are considerably younger than I (up to 21 years younger) and grew up many miles away from the extended family. As a result, these cousins are not privy to a lot of family history that I learned from the time I was quite young.

Now, two of these younger cousins have approached me to “fill in the blanks” for them.

My younger cousins do not know that in the early years of the Depression, my parent and two young siblings were abandoned by their father when their mother became gravely ill.

My parent was placed with an uncle and his family, who provided a loving home. The second sibling was put up for adoption and was adopted by a couple who sexually abused the child and ultimately returned the child to “the system.”

There was a subsequent nonfamily placement that lasted until that child reached the age of majority.

The third child was placed with a family in the community, where that child was beaten and presumably also sexually abused.

When the authorities learned of this, the child was removed from the home and placed with a family member.

The consequences of this upbringing were quite devastating. Although all three married and had children, one sibling eventually committed suicide. The other abandoned their own family for weeks at a time.

I believe that some of my older cousins know what happened because they were old enough to be aware of what was going on in their own families.

I am torn about how to respond. Part of me says, “Family secrets are not healthy, and people have a right to know.” Another part of me says, “This is not your story to tell.”

What should I do?

— Torn Cousin

Torn Cousin: I think you should tell a version of this story that illustrates the extreme challenges your elder family members faced, but include only details that are verifiable, respecting the privacy of any living elder family members who were primary victims.

You can use old photos to try to build a portrait of the trauma and displacement that your family (and many other families) endured during and after the Depression.

Overall, your family history shows the heartbreaking side of the nature/nurture debate.

I assume that subsequent generations of your family have recovered (somewhat) from this displacement and trauma, but for some of your cousins, this story could help them understand the temperament and behavior of some of their elders, who were not able to nurture them — because, tragically, they weren’t nurtured.

Dear Amy: I dated a divorced man for 26 years, and I’m still kicking myself. There was a 22-year age difference between us.

I thought we had a wonderful relationship.

We didn’t live together (thank God) — he had his place and l had mine.

Long story short, he passed away five years ago.

After he died, several of his friends and siblings decided to tell me that he was the father of a 9-year-old son and that the son will be well taken care of until he comes of age.

I am glad the boy will be taken care of.

My question is why did these people never share this information with me before his death? l knew absolutely nothing about this relationship.

Obviously, it was very well hidden from me.

I am annoyed at the people who are telling me now, especially his one sibling who claims to love me so much.

I don’t know what her motive is, other than to make me angry or hurt me.

What is your take? What do you think I should do?

— In the Dark

In the Dark: I agree with you that keeping this a secret is a betrayal of your friendship. The way to find out what motivates people is to ask them. You will then decide how to respond.

Dear Amy: “TIA” was increasingly worried because her husband had refused to get the coronavirus vaccine. And then he was hospitalized with the disease.

You should have directed her toward the science. If he has had covid, he can’t get it again and he doesn’t need the vaccine!

You should brush up on your research.

— Common Sense

Common Sense: “TIA” didn’t mention that her husband had received an antibody test. Although reinfection is rare, I believe the jury is still out regarding how well — and how long — antibodies offer protection.

2021 by Amy Dickinson distributed by Tribune Content Agency