Finally Understand Kyrsten Sinema in 360 Easy Steps

It has been said that if you clear your mind of all questions and knowledge and everything you thought you knew about the political process; if you become as a leaf blown by the enormous leaf-blower of time; if you transport your consciousness to Mars and hover over its surface in a glass bubble; if you stop demanding that things make sense, that one act follow another through some logical connection, however slight; if you dwell in the desert (Arizona, preferably) for a year and vacation in the city (Paris, ideally) for a week; if you cover yourself in bright caparisons and live for a few moments on every side of all issues; if you read “My Immortal” three times, first with judgment, and then with understanding, and then with acceptance — if you oppose Joe Lieberman in the spring of your life and then become him at your life’s midsummer; if you cut up all the horoscopes for Cancer for the past two years and sprinkle them on the ground on top of a large pile of donor funds and vote accordingly; if you apprentice yourself in a vineyard for the summer while also working as a senator that same summer; if you visit Paris and see all that there is to see there; if you live as Marie Antoinette for a year; if you learn all the secrets of the secret spreadsheets; if you make friends for years and then destroy those friendships in weeks; if you go to a gathering of corporate donors who do not wish to pay additional taxes or give Americans better deals on prescription drug prices and hear all that is to be heard there; if you live as a corporation for a year and as a person for a year and as the Tumblr of someone who proudly self-identifies as a Gryffindor-Slytherin hybrid for a third year; if you learn how to play three-dimensional chess (isn’t that just chess?) and then chess in four, five, and six dimensions; if you go back to the vineyard and study more and really understand things as the grape sees them; if you read all the self-insert fanfiction that has ever been written and then drink enough wine (which, after your apprenticeship, you understand) to purge it from your memory; if you undergo the Joseph Campbell hero’s journey, being called to adventure and refusing the call and meeting an old mentor and crossing the threshold and bringing back a boon to your community, and then the Dark Knight hero’s journey, where you begin as the hero and live long enough to see yourself become the villain, and then the Joseph Technicolor Dreamcoat hero’s journey, where you get a brightly colored garment and substitute it for a personality; if you live as both a particle and a wave for a year; if you decide to let all your personality decisions be guided by a combination of dreams and prophecies and just possibly just maybe just slightly the input of some corporations who do not want to be taxed more . . .