Their daughter blames them for her divorce. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

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We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Dear Carolyn: My daughter “Sandy,” who is 34, is going through a really crappy divorce. She and her husband got together in college and married at 24. They have two children, so there is a custody fight, and Sandy has not worked full time in over a decade so she is having to seek more support from her husband than she wants to. It’s all awful.

She was telling me the other day that she feels it is partly my fault that she married so young and wound up so unhappy. She says that she felt that her dad and I would be disappointed in her if her relationship failed. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Her dad and I fretted endlessly about how she seemed to be getting locked into a relationship that started so young. We probably had 50 conversations over the years about how we wished she would date other people, try new things, find herself before she settled down. I guess we were too quiet about those feelings.

I know that I did not push my daughter into her marriage, and it’s not my fault that the marriage is ending now. I also know that divorce is not “failure”; it can be freedom. Still, I feel terrible that my daughter thinks it’s even a little bit my fault that she is in this hell. What do I do?

— Parent

Parent: Say, “I’m so sorry you feel that way! If I could go back in time, I would have been more vocal about my own worries so that you would have known that I wouldn’t be disappointed if your relationship ended.” Because it’s true, right? And it’s going to get you a lot further than explaining why this mess isn’t your fault. It also gives her an opening to say, “Yeah, I’m not sure why I thought that,” or “But you always said …”

Even though it won’t make a difference in her divorce, you’ll both probably feel better if you can have a shared understanding of the past.

Otherwise, don’t be too quiet about your feelings again this time. Your daughter needs to hear that this is “all awful” and that “divorce is not ‘failure’; it can be freedom.” Those are really powerful words coming from you, or your husband for that matter! So don’t forget to share them. Good luck — I hope things get easier soon.

— Anonymous

Parent: I’m sorry you and your daughter are going through this. To start: You do not need to accept any blame at all for the relationship or its end; that’s ultimately between your daughter and her ex, though it might take time for her to see it. I’ve been in your daughter’s place myself and it is, as you say, all awful.

During and immediately following my divorce, I pushed my grief, including inappropriate blame, onto the people I most trusted, some of whom had warned me early in our courtship about how fast we were moving and some yellow flags they saw. They weren’t too quiet; I wasn’t in a place to hear them.

Pushing those emotions and responsibility away for a time, so I could focus on getting through my days and the tasks of unraveling the life that had been, was part of survival. I did eventually (and with the help of therapy) get to a place where I could own my responsibility in choosing and eventually ending my marriage, but it was just too much right at that end.

As for what to do: Hold your position and find ways to help if you can. You can make it clear what you are and are not willing to do and discuss — my friends did this and it honestly made things better between us long term. If you’re aware of or can find resources available to your daughter that can provide help you aren’t able or willing to give, it would be a kindness to direct her to them. Finally, use your own support system. Your daughter isn’t part of that right now (circles of grief — support/comfort in, dump out).

— Been There

Parent: This is hard, I’m sorry. You seem to have a healthy perspective, which is not taking “fault” for her marriage but wanting to support your daughter. So ask her how to do that. You can tell her you were struck by the comment, that you did worry about her settling down so young but wanted to respect her decision, and then ask what she would have liked you to do at the time. This can help her think about whether there in fact was something you could have said to make a difference and can guide your future actions if/when you have similar concerns.

You should also take an honest look at how you treated her growing up. Did you place a lot of pressure to make sure she “succeeded” in all traditional ways? Did you express disappointment if she fell short in any expectation? Why is a fear of your disappointment driving her adult decisions? If you see your part in this, tell her. Validation may be useful to her. Finally, tell her explicitly that you are sorry she feels that way, that divorce is not a failure, that she should not live in fear of disappointing you, and that you are here to support her through this process in whatever way she needs.

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.

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Source: WP