How to help when a parent friend faces a crisis
What were my friends supposed to do? We had known each other for years, and they had helped me through my husband’s short illness and death. But what was life going to be like now? How were we all going to get through this? What could they say to comfort me in that moment?
“All of us are going to experience loss,” says Sabrina N’Diaye, a psychotherapist in Baltimore. “People want to feel supported and held and heard, but that doesn’t necessarily mean their friends need to take away their problems.” In fact, in many complex situations, there isn’t going to be any way to alleviate the immediate problem, so the most important thing friends can do is provide a supportive ear.
Kelly Grocoff, a therapist in Ann Arbor, Mich., agrees. “Grief is an experience where you feel a multitude of emotions, some of which don’t make sense, and normalizing them is something that parenting friends can do well,” she says. In fact, friends who have surrounded you as you have been raising kids have seen you through many changing emotional states, Grocoff says, and they may be well equipped to act in an emotionally flexible way.
And knowing exactly what to say isn’t the most important part of providing support, says Karen Millsap, a mind-set expert in Orlando. Many people came to her aid when her husband died unexpectedly, leaving her to parent her young child alone, but it was her friend Jamie’s daily visits that played a large role in her healing. She and Jamie would do mindless activities together, such as painting their nails or walking around Target, which reminded her that she wasn’t alone. When dealing with friends in crisis, Millsap advises people not to overthink it.
Grocoff adds: “Your presence is everything. You don’t need the right words, because there are no right words. When big life events happen to those we love, we often feel like our efforts to support them need to be big as well. But showing up and participating in small, concrete daily activities can be a lifeline, a solid, sure reminder that they are not alone.”
Some situations may be more complicated than others, and they may require a parent to find support from people who can more fully understand the situation. For Kristin Holmes, a mother in Washington, D.C., this meant connecting with other parents who were experiencing similar hardship. When her daughter was born four years ago with congenital heart defects, she reached out to other “heart moms” for emotional support, both in and out of the hospital.
“When you have a child who has complex medical conditions, there’s a language that comes with crisis,” says Holmes, whose daughter recently passed away. “It’s really beneficial to have a group of people who support you and speak that language. I don’t have to explain what things mean, because they all know. I can be completely vulnerable with them, because I don’t have to worry about them not understanding.”
But even if friends aren’t going through the same circumstances, they can provide other support to a family in crisis. Grocoff says that parenting friends may be particularly adept at providing stability and support for children affected by tragedy. “The people who’ve known your children for years are likely to be a source of comfort for them, and in many cases, their friends are friends with your kids,” she says. Parents are problem-solvers, she adds, and can help with daily stress and logistics for families in crisis.
N’Diaye agrees, noting that parents play many roles — from cook to driver to story-reader — and those are places where friends can play an active role. N’Diaye also says that for many people experiencing loss — whether from death, illness, job loss, divorce or something else — there is a real need for people to show up well after the acute incident has occurred. In the days immediately after the tragedy, there is usually an outpouring of support. But in the weeks and months that follow, that support often wanes.
Holmes says a continued presence has been critical for her, both physically and emotionally. “My friends often help me with logistics, but the most important thing is having someone with whom I can be vulnerable.”
Millsap adds that the friends who provided that sustained support became much closer to her family in the years since her loss. “Now we are completely intertwined in each other’s lives,” she says.
Maybe more than anything, these friends can remind us of our own identity as parents. “Sometimes, those going through grief and loss feel like they don’t even recognize themselves,” Grocoff says. “Connecting to a part of one’s identity that still feels largely intact is an important reminder that we are more than just our losses, and we are competent and skilled at living our lives and caring for our children, and despite the unknowns in our lives, there are still parts of ourselves that we can recognize.”
When I became a young widow, I felt incredibly insecure as a parent. How was I going to make it as the sole parent of my three young kids? In the initial weeks and months after my husband’s death, many of my parenting friends played critical roles in supporting our family. But it is only now, more than two years later, that I have realized how important it was that my friends sat with me that day in my kitchen as I cried about my husband missing dinner, two months after his death.
Just the other day, I was back in my kitchen with these two women. We talked about how vulnerable I had been two years ago. I realized that although my grief is still present, I have figured out how to move through life in a way that makes me feel capable, confident and (mostly) happy.
And I know I didn’t get here alone.
By day, Marjorie Brimley is a high school teacher and mother of three. She spends her nights replaying the crazy encounters that go along with becoming a widow and blogging about them at DCwidow.com. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter @dcwidowblog.
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