Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend has a heart of gold, but how practical is a heart of gold?
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend is the sweetest man but completely lacks problem-solving or critical-thinking skill, and I’m worried about the future if I stay with him long-term.
Just the most recent examples: I was trimming some vines and when he offered to help, I asked him to get the ladder from the backyard. He came back without it and said the gate was stuck. When I asked why he didn’t just go through the house to get it, he literally hadn’t thought of that. If our list says “gala apples” and the store is out of them, he’ll come home without apples before he’ll think to buy another kind of apple, let alone another kind of fruit. Even though the fruit is for him and he likes all kinds and has a piece every morning. The day he locked his keys in his car, I was at a friend’s house 10 minutes away but it never occurred to him to call me or AAA. He just waited for me to come home — three hours later. And even though he’s taken public transportation in our city all of his life, if there’s a problem with one bus line, he cannot look at a transit map and figure out an alternate route.
We have been discussing marriage, and I wonder what kind of father and life partner he’ll make, but I’ve also never been with a kinder, more loving, generous man. What should I do?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You already know “what kind of . . . partner he’ll make.” He will be loving, and he won’t just walk right by you hard at work without offering help, which a depressing number of people do. But he will have limits that create other work for you.
(Nick Galifianakis/for The Washington Post)
Is that a problem for you? Will it become one over time, just from fatigue at problem-solving for two? Will adding a child be too much?
This is stuff you need to think about, without flinching.
The most important thing you can do: Know yourself. For anyone, choosing a partner involves both prioritizing X trait or quality, and understanding what it means to do without Y. That’s ultimately about you. For some people, marrying kindness and generosity at pronounced pragmatic cost would be an easy “yes,” and for others it would be a painful but necessary “no.”
Readers’ thoughts:
●I hope the guy gets evaluated. He sounds like someone really struggling with executive-function issues. My heart goes out to both of them. It sucks equally to be the person doing the executive functioning for two adults, and to be the one constantly disappointing that person.
●Oh, I am you in 10 years! My husband is extremely literal, too, operates on his own wavelength, and also is immensely kind and considerate. Things that are obvious to the average person just aren’t to him. And yes it drives me bonkers and YES I’m very glad I married him. He is not so out-to-lunch that he isn’t safe to care for our kids by himself — I think that’s where to draw the line.
●Your second-guessing (“why didn’t you go through the house?”) doesn’t make him feel good about himself. He may come to resent that, even though you’re picking up after him to make sure things get done.
Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.
