Cake, in the manner of the Trump administration’s school reopening guidance
Hello, bakers! Betsy Crocker here! Hope you enjoyed our recipe for a delicious, mouthwatering cake that you can make right now. If you have any questions, please, sound off in the comments and we’ll do our best to respond.
Allen (Ga.): Hey, this might be just me, but I didn’t actually see a recipe. Would love to make the cake — it looks delicious in the picture!
Betsy: It’s not just you! Don’t let the recipe stand in your way. It was just a suggestion, anyway, so we’ve taken it down and replaced it with vague encouragements. The important thing is for you to have cake right now.
Kate (Pa.): I don’t have any of the ingredients in the recipe. Can I still make cake?
Betsy: Absolutely. Not only can you, but you must.
Hank (Fla.): Can’t wait for delicious cake! However, all the times I’ve made it before, it required certain ingredients to make a cake that was both safe and edible, and I don’t have any of those right now. Is there a substitution I can do?
Betsy: I suggest that instead of not making cake, you substitute making cake! You better believe that people will love that cake! Hank, you deserve to have cake.
Gail (Del.): Can’t wait to try this cake! I don’t have the flour, eggs, sugar, milk and butter that the recipe listed, but I do have a welding torch, what I hope are some raisins and a big bag of white powder that I don’t know about. Okay if I substitute those? I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Would appreciate guidance.
Betsy: Here is some guidance: Cake is a wonderful thing to have, and we can all agree that life is better with cake. I know many people who have eaten cake, and they all loved it. Do not listen to people who tell you that only people with certain ingredients can make a safe, edible cake. Those people don’t truly believe that cake is worth having. You’ve got this!
Jordan (Mich.): I want to make the cake from the recipe! Could you bring me ingredients?
Betsy: Sorry, Jordan, that’s not my job.
Ellen (N.Y.): Hey! I hate to bring this up here, but I’ve been trying for weeks to get the ingredients a good cake would require, and you and your team have been making it super difficult. None of these ingredients should be impossible to have, and I keep seeing my European friends on Instagram enjoying what looks like edible cake in perfect safety. Can you at least stop discouraging us from trying to obtain the conditions for safe cake-making?
Betsy: You need to get rid of this idea that the only safe way to have cake is with certain ingredients and focus on making cake.
Maya (Ill.): How long should I preheat the oven for, and how long should I bake?
Betsy: Cake is good.
Tim (Hawaii): Is it okay if I substitute bleach for some ingredients? It’s all I have, and I read that those of us who do not bake cake will be fined.
Betsy: It is very important for you to have cake right away. Do not rest until you are eating cake! Cake is delicious and such a wonderful treat — the highlight of a meal. If you were having any doubts, remember: People have had cake all through history. Also, bleach could have unexpected health benefits! It is true that those who do not bake cake will be fined.
Gail (Del.): Me again! Just wanted to double-check before serving: This cake is safe, right?
Betsy: Probably very few people will die! And death is an inevitable fact of life.
Kim (Maine): Everyone I would be serving the cake to has a peanut allergy. Is it okay if I make a peanut cake?
Betsy: People say having unsafe cake made them sick, but you know what also hurts people? Not having cake at all.
Allen (Ga.): I’m not sure I can make this cake in good conscience. I’m really sad. I love cake.
Betsy: Oh no! Everyone is going to be so disappointed. We are very upset. You are selfish and should feel bad. You have let us all down. Thanks to you, we cannot have cake. This is all your fault, and you will be fined.
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