Carolyn Hax: Bless you — and bless your heart
I’ve already talked with a doctor, I’m not a good candidate for shots and he thinks I should just stay on my over-the-counter medicine.
I really don’t know what to do. It’s gotten to the point that I’m yelling back, and saying that if it’s really so awful, he doesn’t have to live with me.
I know the anger about my sneezing is probably just a stand-in for something else, but I’m about at the end of what I can handle. It happens with other involuntary things, too: hiccups, yawns. Or voluntary things that also affect him: I sat on his side of the couch, etc.
He won’t go to therapy, I’ve asked so many times. What’s next? Is there something I’m not considering?
— Sneezing
Sneezing: Divorce?
I don’t mean to sound glib — it’s just that you (both) sound so miserable.
He, abusively so.
If it were just the sneezing, then I’d say to change the timing of your allergy pill so any gap falls when you’re at work, for example, or can more easily be away from home. But you refer to “a whole host of problems,” and I don’t believe anyone owes their spouse or the institution of marriage a lifelong sacrifice of one’s dignity and peace of mind — which is how I’d view waking up daily to someone cursing me out. For any reason.
Readers’ responses:
I suffer from misophonia. Even though I am 100 percent sure I am totally normal, and can’t imagine how anyone doesn’t fly into a rage at the sound of swallowing, I understand that swallowing is necessary to live and sneezing is involuntary and so forth. Sometimes I snap, but that NEVER means berating somebody for a noise they can’t control, especially not routinely. There is no excuse for that.
— Anonymous
Please have you husband talk to a doctor about sensory issues. My son has sensitivities to certain sounds that produce an immediate, involuntary and uncontrollable angry reaction. While there is no magic cure, there are management strategies.
This might not be the case with your husband and he would have to be willing to address the issue with his doctor, but your description of his reaction immediately made me think of my son.
— Understand
He could suffer from misophonia. An ex had this, and his rage was particularly triggered by chewing or swallowing that was anything greater than silence. Doesn’t explain that sofa nonsense, though.
Ex: Right, though it could be a related anxiety or comorbidity. Which would also be a legitimate target for treatment, which he can’t get unless he actually agrees to go. Let’s hope he does.
Thanks, everybody.
