We’re all trapped in William Barr’s paranoid fantasy world

Fortunately, Attorney General William P. Barr does not live in this world.

He has to spend time there, sometimes, mostly so people can yell at him about actions he is undertaking on the president’s behalf. But in the world where William Barr lives, none of these things are happening. He is still the attorney general there, but more importantly — he is a crime-fighting hero! William Barr is the last man standing against civilization-undermining forces that are trying to replace our lovable nation with evil socialism!

Could a heat ray be used to stop these villainous seditionists (who are definitely villainous seditionists and certainly not peaceful protesters)? William Barr is going to find out, and let nothing stand in his way — certainly not precedent, and definitely not the Constitution! His ally is the president, a good, plucky man, who, if anything, has too limited a sense of the scope of his own powers. Together they possess undreamed-of, unprecedented powers, powers no other president and attorney general duo had thought to claim before! And their enemies throng thickly on every side, be they anarchists, disgruntled Montessori preschoolers or both.

In Barr’s world, the real threat to our democracy is not the president who keeps talking about how he ought to have a third term and how violence may be needed to stop “insurrection”! It is … the left! As he said to the Federalist Society last year, “it is the Left that is engaged in the systematic shredding of norms and the undermining of the rule of law.” What a twist! “Their holy mission is to use the coercive power of the State to remake man and society in their own image, according to an abstract ideal of perfection. Whatever means they use are therefore justified because, by definition, they are a virtuous people pursing a deific end.”

Holy holy war, Barr-man! It’s a good thing Barr arrived on the scene in time to stop these crusaders for whom no sinister tactic is off limits. Better get that heat ray!

In this world, “antifa” is a bigger threat than right-wing, homegrown terrorism (and not just because, according to a recent whistleblower, the Department of Homeland Security was urged by Trump appointees to put out an inaccurate threat report that distorts the underlying analysis)! You can tell they are deeply menacing because, as Barr told NBC News, “They have websites.” Chilling!

In Barr’s world, threats lurk in even the most unexpected corners. Doctors are the last people you should ask for recommendations about how to keep disease from spreading in society, since they are not “grand seers.” William Barr, the grandest seer, seers right through them. The coronavirus lockdown is the worst curtailment of civil liberties since slavery! Yes, you read that correctly! And the Black Lives Matter movement is “not interested in Black lives”! Wait until you hear what war is (peace) and ignorance is (strength)!

It’s a very exciting place to live, this world. In the world where Barr lives, protesters are attempting sedition, and they must be brought to justice — along with the dastardly mayors who allowed these assemblies to happen. In Barr World, he is the last bastion standing against nebulous, ominous forces that threaten to undermine everything the good citizens of these United States hold dear, including that which they hold most dear: the unlimited, unitary executive authority of the president.

In this world, of course, William Barr is a hero. In ours? I am not so sure.

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