Carolyn Hax: Partner’s parents say ‘our house, our rules’ on sleeping together

By Carolyn Hax,

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I am 36 and have been in a relationship for four years with my partner, “Rob.” We live together, and while marriage is on the table, it’s not really a priority for either of us so we aren’t in a rush to tie the knot.

Rob’s family is evangelical Christian. While we have very different religious and political beliefs, I enjoy their company, and they’ve been very welcoming to me.

The issue is that even though I am pushing 40, Rob and I aren’t allowed to share a bedroom when we visit or vacation with them, because we aren’t married. To make things worse, Rob refuses to engage with his parents on this issue because he claims they are “set in their ways” and it would be pointless to ask.

I’m sort of sympathetic to this issue when we stay with them — their house, their rules — but the big annual family vacation involves the entire family staying in the same house on a beach together, and we are asked to stay in separate rooms. I feel like since we’re contributing to the cost of the house and we are almost 40, we should be allowed to stay in the same room!

I’m at the point where I am refusing to attend the vacation if Rob continues to refuse to talk to his parents about this. Can I also mention again, we already live together! I’d love a third-party opinion on this.

— Pushing 40

Pushing 40: Seems to me you’ve got it figured out: You have encountered something so ridiculous to you that you can’t countenance investing another day or dollar to be part of it.

Okay then! That is a response that makes complete sense and has a lot of integrity to it.

It will also, as these things generally do, present Rob — a being with his own values and integrity to manage — with a choice, which, if he chooses in your favor, will present his parents — beings with their own values and integrity to manage — with a choice. All right and proper.

As long as your eyes are open to your refusal as the first in a line of dominoes, then, refuse — kindly and in peace.

Reader suggestions:

●Instead of paying into a large group house, why don’t you and Rob rent a condo nearby? You can join the rest of the family for meals and activities, and retreat to your own space afterward.

●My wife and I went through that for a long time because we waited 10 years to get married. Fortunately, we were in a good position to get our own place when the big family vacation came around. That way, we could set our own rules and still enjoy the family; quite honestly, it also cut down some of the never-ending chaos that is my family. It turned out to also be a place for the young adults to gather and be young adults. We were open about why as well. To this day, I still kind of pride myself on the fact that we stood on our own, and I think my dad respected me for it.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.