Miss Manners: ‘I won’t come over, but will let you cook for me’

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: When a woman asks a man over for dinner, is it good manners for the man to say, “I am too busy to come eat, but I will take your leftovers”?

I think it is really poor manners, but another lady I know says it depends on how good of friends you are. I say it is just wrong.

Unless this woman works at a drive-through or a charity, this counter-suggestion is insulting and unacceptable, no matter how good the friend. Miss Manners suggests that the hostess answer, “I was asking to enjoy your company, not for the chance to cook, but thank you. Perhaps we can reschedule when you have more time.” The second sentence is optional.

Dear Miss Manners: I agreed to babysit my friend’s daughter. When they arrived at my home, my 8-year-old daughter was enjoying lunch while video chatting with her great-aunt.

When my friend eventually greeted my daughter, five minutes after she arrived (after she and I had finished our own conversation), she began to gently scold my daughter, saying to her that when someone enters a room, she should stop what she is doing and greet them.

The great-aunt who was on video chat with my daughter became upset, and said to my friend that my daughter is having a conversation with an adult and that they should give her time to finish her conversation and then she would be able to greet them. The entire situation was uncomfortable for both my daughter and me.

What would be appropriate for an 8-year-old child, in greeting other adults, when an elder adult has her attention?

While it is true that live human beings should take precedence over electronics, the lines are now blurred between who is present in the flesh and who is virtually present enough to be chiming in, as your relative did.

It could be argued that someone who is on the telephone, for example, would be temporarily excused as long as the primary host was free to welcome the visitors. Yet anyone present should acknowledge them, if only with a nod — so would that include the great-aunt?

What Miss Manners can say unequivocally is that the visitor was doubly rude in chastising your daughter and in doing so in front of her family members. Nothing to be done about it now, but just in case it makes you feel better.

Dear Miss Manners: This may seem counterintuitive, but what is a polite way to respond to people who converse with you, but like to use foul language? For example, they say, “What the (bleep) does it matter where we go?” We have friends who are good people, but it seems they use foul language frequently.

How about a frequent and well-placed wince?

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin