Date Lab: She suspected they had been on a date before
By Damona Hoffman,
Courtesy of the daters
Amanda Santoro is 32 and a manager of a beauty store. She is seeking someone “confident but not arrogant” who has “a sarcastic and witty sense of humor” and is “at least 5-foot-10.” Sean Fowler is 34 and an emergency manager. He says he likes “girls who are intelligent and attractive … somewhat athletic, funny, thoughtful, kind and interesting.”
As soon as she opened her email, Amanda Santoro, 32, had a sneaking suspicion that the Sean Date Lab set her up with was that Sean. But Washington is a big place. What are the chances that she would be matched with someone she’d been out with before?
Meanwhile, Sean Fowler, 34, who describes himself as “tall, humorous and good at negotiating conflict” prepped himself in his usual way for Zoom dates: by drinking his approximation of a “standard amount” of rosé and keeping his expectations for the date low. He also opted to eat his tapas from Cranes Spanish Kaiseki before signing on.
Amanda fought the urge to contact the Sean she knew to see if it was him and instead signed on for the virtual date. The minute he popped up on screen, she recognized him. It took Sean a moment, but then the details flooded back.
It was November. They matched on Bumble and agreed to meet in Columbia Heights for margaritas and tacos (which they share as a favorite food). While they had a nice time, Amanda just didn’t feel what she calls a “Z factor,” but when she told him she wanted to be his friend, she really meant it.
At the time, Sean told her that he was dating to date, not dating to make friends. Since then, he has expanded what he calls “black-and-white thinking” and can envision a world “where people can get along outside of the context of dating.”
On paper, Sean fit what Amanda, the manager of an independent beauty store, was looking for in terms of personality, sense of humor and her above-average height requirement. Sean, an emergency manager and aspiring plant-care influencer, stands at
6-foot-4. He says he’s into puns and situational humor and seeks someone who can laugh at themselves.
Remembering they had a love of plants in common, Amanda started the evening by asking Sean to show off his favorite plant. He extolled the virtues of his prize rubber tree and took a screenshot. Amanda proudly posed with her favorite: a Chinese money plant. Then the conversation turned to plant care.
Amanda sipped her “Boun Drunk in Cuba” cocktail from the takeout menu of Laotian restaurant Thip Khao (though she held off from noshing until after the date) as she soaked up his botanical wisdom for over an hour. Sean’s passion for plants and the fact that he blends his own soil and keeps a detailed spreadsheet about the care of each plant was inspiring to Amanda. A self-proclaimed plant newbie, Amanda would absolutely stan his plant YouTube channel if he launches: “I would buy one of his soil blends,” she emphatically said.
Plants were the star of the conversation, but the daters had time to share their thoughts about quarantine. They each expressed gratitude for the fact that they’ve been able to keep their jobs and work from home through the pandemic.
Amanda told Sean that she’s been able to take on new thrifting and upcycling projects in her spare time. Sean later told me that when not devoting himself to being a “plant parent,” he has continued to play bocce ball with his teammates, and they’re all eager for him to partner up with a lady they will like, too.
Perhaps that goal drove their conversation toward how dating has gone since the last time they met. Sean said he’s not interested in casual dating, especially through the pandemic. So in spite of a few Zoom dates, he hasn’t dated much this year. The same for Amanda.
As the date neared a close, they reflected on how weird it was that they were matched for a second time. Sean told me: “I think it’s funny that we could match via an algorithm and then have other people think objectively we were a match.”
Amanda expressed a desire to stay connected: “We were matched together for a second time for a reason. It means something to me.” Though Amanda kept his number in her phone, he had deleted hers, so she texted him with a plant selfie to remember her by.
“On paper he is someone I would be interested in,” Amanda told me. He’s a “good-looking guy. A creative type and good conversationalist with interests and hobbies.” Yet that romantic spark, that “Z factor,” was still missing for her.
Sean took a more optimistic approach: “I’m not going to say I know the future, and people don’t change their minds, but in this case, I don’t know.”
Rate the date
Sean: 4.25 [out of 5].
Amanda: 4.5.
Update
They followed each other on Instagram and exchanged a few texts but remain just friends.
Damona Hoffman is a certified dating
coach and the host of the “Dates & Mates” podcast.
Their attraction was immediate
She thought it went well until he said, ‘Let’s keep in touch’
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