Miss Manners: Responding to dismissive comments from a friend

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: What is the best way to respond to someone who says, “You have too much time on your hands”?

A friend of mine is a kindhearted person and I love her dearly, but when I do something special for her or her kids, this is what she says. For example, I labeled the ice and water dispensers on my fridge for her, so she could get what she needed without putting her glasses on, and I’ve spent time on gifts because I thought her child would like them. This is how she responds.

It’s ironic, because she spends most of her time cleaning her house, whereas mine is clean but I still have time to enjoy doing things like this.

Is there a polite way to respond without being snarky? Because I get that way when my feelings are hurt.

When compliments are met with derision (“This old thing?”), the intention is not to insult the giver’s taste. Likewise, your friend must think that she is modestly deflecting your generosity.

However, Miss Manners agrees that it comes across less than gracious for deeds that are so thoughtfully meant. A stricken, “Oh! No, I don’t have much time. I just enjoy doing it and thought that you would like it. I can stop if you like” should sufficiently shame your friend into reminding her that generosity can always be terminated if it goes unappreciated.

Dear Miss Manners: Last year, shortly before the holidays, I accepted a promotion to a different department in the government agency where I’ve worked for several years. This is my first supervisory position, and my predecessor set some precedents that I’m finding difficult to afford.

He bought lunch for each staff member on their birthday, and bought lunch for the entire staff plus the secretaries (a total of about 10 people) for the holidays.

Another supervisor, who also carries on these traditions, informed me of them. Not wanting to make a bad first impression or appear stingy, I went along with it last year. But the truth is, I’m still paying off student loans and my salary is far from exorbitant. Many of my staff make quite a bit more than I do, as they have been here longer.

I’m struggling with what to do this year. I would rather buy a small gift for my staff, but I don’t want them to feel that I appreciate them less than other supervisors or my predecessor. What is the appropriate amount for a low-level government supervisor to spend?

Does your compliance officer have nothing to say about this?

If not, she should. Miss Manners recommends that rather than get into a competition of gratitude with past employers, you express yours in personal and heartfelt wishes. And then get your agency to agree to allowing people to go home early on the eves of holidays, as that will probably be more appreciated than grocery store cake and subpar takeout food.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin