Carolyn Hax: An outdoorsy type summits Mount Condescension

By Carolyn Hax,

Dear Carolyn: My significant other and I move at different speeds. I’m constantly seeking outdoor adventures — hiking, camping, multiday backpacking trips, golfing and skiing — and staying as active as I can; my SO is perfectly content staying in to watch movies and play video games.

Part of it is our jobs. SO is still going to work (health care), is on their feet all day and wants to crash during time off; I work from home and can’t stand the sight of our walls when I finish the workday.

But it’s also an issue of how we want to spend our free time: SO wants us to go shopping or get drinks with friends on the weekend, while I’m trying to plan an all-day hike. On vacations, I want to go camping, hiking and skiing, while SO wants to (again) shop, do spa days or lounge by the beach/pool. All of which bore me to tears.

I want to share my thirst for adventure and outdoors activities with my SO, and encourage them to pursue a more active and outdoorsy lifestyle. To their credit, my SO has been trying to push themselves out of their comfort zone. But on our latest day hike, my SO completely broke down, both physically and mentally, as the hike was too long, too steep and too rocky (their words). While I admit it was a challenging hike, we saw plenty of less physically capable hikers out on the trail. We had a bad argument, and I’m fearful of planning our next adventure.

When we were younger and dating, I compromised a lot and prioritized activities we both could enjoy at the expense of my desire for more adventurous excursions. Now that we’re getting older, I find I’m less willing to compromise with what little free time and vacation we get. I’m stuck between feeling resentment toward them for not wanting more adventures and feeling selfish/guilty for just doing these trips on my own.

We currently don’t have kids but are looking to start in a few years. My fear is once we do, that will be the end of any adventures. If I can’t persuade my SO to join me now, I don’t see how a toddler or two will help!

— Longing for Adventure

Longing for Adventure: Why does anyone need to change, and why are you treating your SO as the only one who should?

I’ll wait.

Actually, no, I won’t — I’ll get impatient and extrapolate from your letter: “To their credit, my SO has been trying to push themselves out of their comfort zone.” So, you think your way is better! Clearly. Outdoorsy > indoorsy, according to you.

That is objectionable in its own right. You have your hobbies and interests, which are right for you. Your SO has their hobbies and interests, which are right for your SO. To insist otherwise is patronizing, superior, smug. And the shaming! “Less physically capable hikers”?

But wait, there’s more to object to: You misrepresented yourself back when you were dating, concealing the full extent of your distaste for your SO’s tastes. You may not have intended to at the time, and certainly people get swept up in courtship mode — but your hindsight now is an opportunity for you to introspect your way to recognizing you sent your SO the wrong message about your compatibility. Yet you’re using your mistake instead as proof you’ve somehow compromised enough and it’s high time SO hit the trail. Ugh.

I could be sympathetic — all day! — to someone struggling with the sad realization of being incompatible with a beloved SO. It happens, and it’s hard.

But your whole stance is that the cosmos owes you a life of outdoor adventure with your SO and you’re vexed at SO for denying you that. And that’s just wow.

There are ways for free-time-incompatible partners to stay close. But none of them will work if you don’t fully embrace the idea that your SO is as fully entitled to seek pleasure — fully! — in shopping, spa treatments and screen time as you are in outdoor adventure.

Try writing your exact letter again, but as your SO this time. Or get the gist from my starting it: “My significant other and I move at different speeds. I’m perfectly content staying in to watch movies and play video games. My SO is constantly seeking outdoor adventures. . . .

“Part of it is our jobs. SO works from home and can’t stand the sight of our walls at the end of the workday. I am still going to work (health care), am on my feet all day and want to crash during time off.”

If you can’t sympathize, then please (a) get counseling for your controlling tendencies and (b) postpone kids, whose health hinges on parentally open minds.

If you can sympathize, then apologize for applying such relentless pressure on your SO to change to your liking — and hereafter plan your outings solo, guilt-free.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.