Gene Weingarten: Relax, these aren’t old jokes retold as poems
By Gene Weingarten,
People tend to hate poetry. I know that because I hear from you, grumpily, every time I publish “pokes,” which are old jokes retold as poems. So, relax, I am not going to do that to you today. Instead, I am going to retell real news stories as poems. All of these were taken from “News of the Weird.”
Bern, Switzerland
Do you like the name Twifus?
Of course you do not!
It’s as pleasing as typhus
But what if you got
Eighteen years of free WiFi?
Tho it might make you squirm
’Twas an offer from Twifi,
A Swiss Internet firm:
“Name your son Twifus, homage to our handle!”
So, do you think you might do it, or might you oughta
If it means on your lap you’ll now have to dandle
Little Twifus (Or Twifia if it is a young daughter).
One pair of new parents jumped at the bait
Young Twifia’s born to a truly lame fate.
But she’ll grow up with free InterWebs at her touch.
Tho she’ll likely not Google herself very much.
Lehigh Acres, Fla.
A man stabbed his cousin when they got in a fight
They’d got to fussin’ over which one was right:
Which of two drinks did they find the more tasty.
(I know what you’re thinking, but don’t be so hasty)
The tussle was not about vintners or brewers
It was: Milk made from almonds, or milk squeezed from moo-ers.
Covina, Calif.
Two high school kids at the door asked for money.
To help their school’s football team. But something was … funny.
The man standing there rolled his eyes at their approach
“See, I know you’re not students, ’cause I am the coach.”
The Netherlands
Stop kerfufflin’
And start “knuffelen”
It’s a cure for stressin’
And also aggressin’.
Dutch farmers invented it
Want to know how?
They’re making folks pay
To cuddle a cow.
St. Petersburg, Fla.
A woman trespassed and was held to blame
But that’s just when her problems started:
The cops threw the book when she claimed that her name
Was “Ms. My Butt Just Farted”
Topeka, Kan.
A teenage boy got into a car
But the lad, he never got very far.
His thrill ride turned out to be not such a thriller.
He instantly crashed that car into a pillar.
Signs pointed to drugs with which he’d been messing,
’Cause he was naked but covered with ranch salad dressing.
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