Gene Weingarten: Just imagine how Trump’s second term might have gone
By Gene Weingarten,
There is a rough consensus among political journalists that Donald Trump’s second term, had he had one, would have been absolutely nutso: that in his lame-duck years, he would have been freed to do whatever he wanted, limited only by his innate sense of proportion and decency, ha-ha. Here are some thoughts on where he might have gone.
Dr. Fauci demoted to hospital candy striper.
All persons wearing masks will be presumed to be bank robbers and shot on sight.
Kushner is named to all Cabinet positions, as well as surgeon general and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Fox News is seized by the government for its drift to the left and renamed Foxier News, featuring Hope Hicks and Ivanka.
Norway becomes the 51st state.
Two walls are built to separate both coasts from “real America.”
The Education Department orders all schools to stop giving tests so that fewer American kids will be dumb.
The Food and Drug Administration declares that all steaks must be cooked to the consistency of the heel of a man’s shoe. Also, hamburgers are now, officially, hamberders.
No more taco trucks. Only trucks serving lard sandwiches on Wonder Bread.
Backyard fracking becomes a thing.
Census now requires women to rate themselves on a scale of 1-10.
Using his executive powers, Trump “hereby decrees” that he has completed the first all-hole-in-one round of golf in history at Mar-a-Lago, including that tricky par 5 on the back nine.
Nothing is sacred anymore. All rules of decency are suspended. Pence is seen having lunch alone with Deborah Birx.
Einstein visas are eliminated, replaced with Miss Universe visas.
The National Institute of Standards and Technology recalibrates weights and measures so Trump is 7-foot-4 and 140 pounds.
“Covfefe” is included in every dictionary. It refers in general to “the intrinsic badness of Mexicans.”
Muslims can pray, but they can’t face Mecca; they have to face the White House.
New presidential proclamation: “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Also, there will be FOUR minutes of Hate per day.”
Thanks to: Kathleen Giotta Delano, Valerie Holt, Lee Graham, Arthur Adams, Warren Uhler, Frank Kohn, Roger Dalrymple, Robyn Carlson, Julianne Berkon Weiner, Tom Logan and Thor Rudebeck. Email Gene Weingarten at gene.weingarten@washpost.com. Find chats and updates at wapo.st/magazine.
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