I think my husband’s parenting strategy is a bad one. What now?

By Meghan Leahy,

Q: My husband is very focused on making our highly spirited 5-year-old “obey.” It causes fights about things such as getting out of the tub, which I think is insane. How can I best explain to him that this is a bad strategy? I am not getting through to him, and I’m worried. I aim for cooperation with my son and feel that I get it about 90 percent of the time, which is all I can ask for from a 5-year-old.

A: You get 90 percent cooperation with your son? Sign me up for your parenting classes! I think that much cooperation between any two people is downright miraculous. It could be that you’re exaggerating, it could be that you and your son’s temperaments are like peanut butter and jelly, or it could be that you’re one heckuva parent. In any case, kudos.

Now for your controlling spouse. Although fighting with a 5-year-old about exiting the tub may feel insane to you, I will confess to sillier arguments with my own children (see my book, “Parenting Outside the Lines,” for some of my finer moments), and I know many parents who have trapped themselves into utterly inane power struggles. I’m not suggesting this is okay or good; I’m just trying to normalize power struggles with a 5-year-old.

[Have questions more Meghan? Send them here.]

By way of a quick primer on the typical 5-year-old, it is important to differentiate between a 5-year-old and a 5½ -year-old. Six months doesn’t mean much for adults, but it can be a developmental sea change for our children. A 5-year-old can be steady, confident and motivated, while a 5½ -year-old can be tyrannical, insecure and clingy. For all the parents of 5-year-olds out there who either wonder where your sweet child went or, conversely, are grateful your child feels more even-tempered, you aren’t losing it.

But no matter the stage of a child, a parent cannot force them to obey. In fact, the more you force, the less obedience you get. It’s maddening, really. Obedience is defined as submissive or dutiful compliance, which is not actually a parenting goal.

Obeying (or following the commands and wishes of one in authority) is an outcome of both maturation and a deeply connected parenting relationship. In essence, when a child feels emotionally and physically safe with their parent, that child wants to obey. Of course, numerous problems can stand in the way of a child’s obedience (neurological and developmental issues, mental illness, etc.), so I don’t want to lay obedience purely at the parent’s feet. But the point still stands: A parent cannot force a child to obey. And shaming or abusing a child into obedience comes at a deep and long-lasting emotional cost to that child.

I don’t recommend telling your husband that he is using “bad” strategies, because, unless he is devoid of all emotion, he is probably quite aware that he’s waging a losing war against your child. Your spouse may also feel threatened or embarrassed that your son obeys you, causing him to double down on the power struggles. In any case, your spouse needs support, not judgment or shame. Here are some ideas:

●Read a book together. If I’ve recommended them once, I’ve recommended them a million times, but the Louise Bates Ames books are clear, short and easy.

●Pick a book that either has questions in it for journaling or that has a workbook attached to it. I’m thinking of the “Peaceful Parent” series by Laura Markham, the “Positive Parenting” series by Rebecca Eanes, or the Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson “No-Drama Discipline” set.

●Take a parenting class together. I’m a fan of the Neufeld Institute, Susan Stiffelman and the Parent Encouragement Program in Kensington Md. (And yes, I teach a class!)

●Get coaching, either together or separately. An impartial voice of reason and knowledge can bring both compassion and concrete homework to help combat the power struggles.

●I’m also going to put a therapist on the list, because parenting is stressful and, if your spouse is responding to his own childhood or other emotional issues, he may need more support than a book. Challenging our own controlling personality can be vulnerable and painful work, so it is best done with a trained professional (read: not you).

Whatever you decide, please run some interference between your son and spouse so the fights aren’t epic, and continue offering compassionate support (and boundaries) to your spouse. Good luck.

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