Miss Manners: Thanking neighbors and friends doesn’t need to be costly

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I underwent major surgery last year. I am recovering well, but it will, of course, take time to be up and moving normally. I live alone, having recently moved to the other side of the country for graduate school.

The people I have met over the past year have been so wonderful! I have had people bring me meals, help me run errands, clean my house and even walk my dog! I could not have asked for a better support network.

I want to acknowledge their kindness and generosity in some way, but am at a loss. Before quarantine, I would have hosted a thank-you dinner for everyone, but that is now unwise for their safety and mine. I am also a student, so gift cards (or even moderately priced gifts) are cost-prohibitive for me.

Please, how can I show these people just how much their love and care has meant to me?

Write them letters. Those do not cost anything and mean so much. In them, express the desire to reciprocate the kindness should the need arise — and to get together once restrictions are lifted and your health is restored.

Miss Manners assures you that handwritten letters will have longer-lasting effects than big box store gift cards or strongly scented candles. Well, perhaps not the latter.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I have several nieces and nephews. When one of my nieces was the first to get married several years ago, we gave the couple a modest monetary gift. When the next got married, we could afford to give that couple a substantially larger monetary gift.

Another niece is about to be married, and I would like to give the couple the larger amount, but I would also like to “make up the difference” for the first couple so that we are giving equitably to everyone.

What is the correct way to augment the original gift? We will all be at the next wedding (assuming it is safe to do so). Could we give the first couple a card with the additional amount? I am at a loss as to what sentiment would be appropriate to write.

Perhaps the balance due to the first couple could be offset by accounting for the inflation that has devalued the subsequent, higher amounts relative to the first.

No, Miss Manners is being facetious. You are concerned that your nieces and nephews know that you love them equally. Etiquette solves this problem with a polite fiction: that all gifts are equally heartfelt.

It is for this reason that price tags are removed before bestowing presents, and it is one of many reasons that Miss Manners objects to cash gifts. Sending the balance to the first niece retroactively invalidates the original gift — “I was shortchanged!”

Better to send that niece a nicer-than-usual, noncash present, with an affectionate, handwritten letter, for her next birthday or anniversary. It will be remembered long after the cash is forgotten.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin