Miss Manners: Discreetly criticizing the only oncologist in town

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I have cancer. I live in a fairly small town with a fairly small hospital. There is only one oncology practice, with one oncologist. The next town is not close.

At my last appointment, the doctor and I were both wearing masks. The hospital does not let anyone into the building without a mask and temperature test. I said something that was a little muffled that I had to repeat. Pointing to his mask, the oncologist said, “These masks don’t do anything anyway. They don’t help; they’re just for show.”

This is a doctor whose patients are virtually all immunocompromised, since most cancer drugs wipe out our white cell count. If this man doesn’t believe masks work, why would he take precautions outside of the hospital?

Gossip spreads easily around here, and I am afraid to say anything to anyone about this for fear he would likely find out who “complained.” As I said, there is no other oncologist in town.

Doctors and hospitals are supposed to be more discreet than the average resident, but Miss Manners understands both your concern and your urgency.

As the goal is to hide in plain sight, she can offer two solutions: sharing all of your concerns with someone in authority whom you trust — your general practitioner, perhaps — and asking that person to act, discreetly, on your behalf; or mobilizing fellow patients to crowd the hospital administration with multiple, identical complaints.

Dear Miss Manners: How can I get a co-worker to wear a mask in our workplace, which supposedly requires masks at all times? I’ve already complained to her supervisor and the human resources department.

Co-workers — by
which Miss Manners means workers of equal rank, not the faux charm with which the boss who just gave you a bad performance review introduces you as his co-worker — have limited authority, either from HR or Miss Manners, to boss one another around.

They have still less ability to enforce behavioral changes. If neither the boss nor HR are willing to address your understandable, and serious, concern, then they should be asked if they can relocate you to a safe (not, please note, “a safer”) environment.

Dear Miss Manners: I work for a not-for-profit agency that provides grants to health-care facilities to assist uninsured patients. I just received a lovely holiday gift from a group that we fund.

Although I am appreciative, I am somewhat offended by the gift, because the money used to purchase it could have been used more wisely. How can I graciously thank them and request that I not remain on their gift-giving list?

Given the gifting group’s dependence on your agency’s generosity, Miss Manners is not concerned that they will not listen when you object. She is concerned that they will hurt themselves in their haste to reassure you that they are neither misusing the funds you provided nor attempting to bribe your future generosity.

Call your contact at the group and say how much you appreciated the present. Then explain that your call has a second purpose: to suggest that they think of a way to express gratitude that does not cost money — perhaps a handwritten letter, signed by their patients who have benefited from your agency’s largesse.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin