Miss Manners: Signaling ‘you’ve got something on your face’

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I have a 20-year disagreement on how to properly handle the situation when someone has food on their face.

We both agree that you would begin by discreetly and gently telling the other person that they have something on their face. The disagreement arises in how to tell them where the food is.

When directly facing the person, I have always pointed to the spot on my own face, as if looking in a mirror. This has worked for me for years — with everyone except my husband. He insists that if I am pointing to my left cheek, he should reverse what he sees (thinking about which side of my own face I am pointing at) and subsequently try to remove the food from his left cheek. He claims that his way is more logical and that he does not have to think about it consciously.

We have agreed to let Miss Manners settle the case, should she choose to do so. Please tell us: Does etiquette dictate whether to “mirror” or not? Which does Miss Manners do?

There is no agreed-upon convention, but even if there were, the awkwardness of such exchanges almost guarantees some period of fumbling.

Miss Manners therefore applauds your attempt to limit what follows from devolving into, “No, you haven’t quite got it. No, almost, but it’s still there. No, a little lower. No, your cheek.”

However, she would adopt a somewhat more direct approach: Lift your hand in front of you, on the side that needs to be cleaned, but without extending your fingers. By thus pointing without pointing, you will clarify your intent without the rudeness of sticking a finger in someone else’s face.

Dear Miss Manners: My sister-in-law recently brought her dog to stay in my home for two months while her family relocates. She also brought a cute, sturdy canvas tote stitched with the dog’s name, holding an extra leash, two harnesses and assorted treats and meds.

When we send the dog back to her, she asked if I would mail the bag of supplies as well. Like most dog-related goods, the bag and harnesses have gotten muddy and haven’t been washed in a while. I’d love to toss it all in the laundry as I do routinely with my own dogs’ things, and send it all back fresh.

If Miss Manners will take me at my word that I have absolutely no double intent, other than making my SIL’s move a little easier, I would appreciate it. But will my SIL find some offense?

Expert though she is on all things etiquette-related, Miss Manners has long ago given up trying to predict what will cause people to take offense when they are determined to do so.

That said, there is a simple solution to your problem. Call your sister-in-law and tell her what you intend to do. When you explain that the purpose of the call was to check if there was any reason to be concerned that the tote’s stitching might be damaged in the wash, you will have removed even the indefensible reason for her to take offense.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin