Miss Manners: Still rude to ask ‘how much do you make?’

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

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Dear Miss Manners: Could you please say something about the rudeness of asking people how much money they make?

I have a relative who sees nothing wrong with doing this. Sometimes it’s done during a party he is hosting, and other times he just asks, even if there are others present. When I’ve pointed out (in private) that this is rude, he says, “But I want to know.”

Please expand on the personal nature of money and salaries. He reads your column.

We are all of us curious about things that are none of our business — that is why secrets and search engines were invented.

Miss Manners’ mailbox is flooded with letters about people who think they are owed presents and financial assistance by friends and relatives who show evidence of being “loaded.” This rude practice does not need any assistance by asking outright.

You may therefore assure your relative that it is unequivocally impolite to ask anyone how much money they make. Even if he really wants to know.

Dear Miss Manners: In a world where families live in separate parts of the country, I have a hard time keeping up with members of my own, especially nieces and nephews. I am not on social media, but even if I were, that would not give me addresses to send birthday cards or baby gifts.

I have politely and repeatedly asked parents for details when they mention that Lily or Leo has a new house or baby. But physical addresses or the date of a birth are difficult to come by.

Are new address notices or birth announcements no longer done? I understand that the families may be too busy to write letters to an aunt, but I enjoy sending cards and small gifts when appropriate. I need an address to do so.

Miss Manners can be assured that I never have showed up on a doorstep without an invitation. Most of these people are listed in my estate planning, but I may need to make some concessions if they cannot be located.

What a confusing threat. Miss Manners feels certain, however, that these seemingly elusive relatives would find a way to publish their addresses if they knew that there would be a reward for it. In fact, they would probably provide it now.

Forgive the obvious, but have you considered asking them? Yes, it is laborious and announcements would make it easier, but forging a connection by calling them is a much better way to preserve the relationship now — rather than inexplicably leaving them out of your will long after the fact.

Dear Miss Manners: As much as I love hearing from folks and/or reaching out to them, there comes a time when the call should come to an end. How does one politely bring it to a close?

Not by saying “I will let you go,” although Miss Manners has noticed that is a popular one. The sentiment is correct — acknowledging the other person’s time constraints, rather than your own; it is just the phrasing that is awkward and transparent.

Instead, she suggests, “Well, it was lovely to talk to you …” with nothing following it, except perhaps a plan to talk another time. Even if that next time is vague.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin