Miss Manners: Who calls whom? Who cares? Just pick up the phone.

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: Which one is proper: the single mom calling the kids on Christmas Day to wish them a merry Christmas, or the kids calling the mom?

My middle son, 24 years old, called today and left a message saying he was disappointed that I didn’t call him on Christmas. I called him back and said I thought he should have called me.

Don’t kids call their parents (or single moms and dads) on special holidays and birthdays, or am I being old-fashioned? I’m confused.

Ah, the holiday spirit — and its many ways to bear a grudge.

There is no etiquette rule that dictates who should initiate holiday calls. Alas, not even ones for single parents. The sole exception may be birthdays, but even those can be initiated by the honoree if they are in regards to receiving a card or present.

But Miss Manners strongly encourages you not to add this to the list of criteria upon which to measure love. Your relationships will be the better for it if you take the high road and simply call your children when you think of it. Even if you are thinking of it because you think they should call you.

Dear Miss Manners: I cannot consume gluten. For two years now, a relative, who knows this but chooses not to remember it, has given my family candies at Christmas that “may contain wheat,” which means that I dare not eat them.

Last year, I sent a thank-you note saying that “my husband and daughter enjoyed the candies,” hoping the sender would take notice.

Is there a more direct way I can show appreciation for the thought, and yet get the message across that the gift is not appropriate for me — the one who must both abstain and write the note?

Yes: Stop writing that note. Since they are the ones enjoying the present, your husband and daughter should do it. At the very least, it will relieve you of some resentment.

If, however, your relative asks how you enjoyed them or why the letter did not come from you, you may say, “Bart and Lola loved the candies, but unfortunately my gluten intolerance has always precluded me from enjoying them …” And then Miss Manners suggests that you trail off wistfully, with the implication that next time the problem may be rectified.

Dear Miss Manners: My husband thinks it is proper for him to go to a birthday breakfast with a male friend who knows an old girlfriend of his, and leave me home because I would make a big deal at the breakfast. That’s his excuse.

And yours is that you wouldn’t?

If the fault is simply that your husband is still friends with someone who knows his ex, you might not have a legitimate case. If it is that your husband would rather spend his birthday talking about his ex-girlfriend than directly to you, well, then Miss Manners agrees. That might be a big deal.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2020, by Judith Martin