Carolyn Hax: Boyfriend berates her family’s lifestyle

By Carolyn Hax,

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Sept. 6, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of two years makes snide comments insinuating that I’m spoiled and “privileged.” I live at home while finishing my undergraduate degree. Most of my tuition is paid for through scholarships. Both of my parents have higher-paying careers than his parents, but I don’t consider us wealthy, and we live a frugal lifestyle in comparison to my parents’ colleagues.

He claims we look down on him for not having a college degree (neither does my sibling) and I’m getting tired of feeling defensive on behalf of my family. Should I start looking for someone with a more compatible background?

— A.

A.: Only if you want to miss the point.

He isn’t criticizing you because your backgrounds are different. He is criticizing you because he feels threatened by your differences — because they (in his view): make you better, might drive you apart, invalidate him in others’ eyes, make him question his choices, all of these, none of these, whatever.

This is an angry and insecure man.

I suppose you could look for someone with whom you’re in pristine agreement, but good luck. You’ll do better finding someone who isn’t angry at the world and who doesn’t expect you to apologize for your station in life — or, even better, who doesn’t care what your background is as long as you’re comfortable with it, and as long as you turned out okay.

Your chances get even better if you actually are comfortable with it. “We live a frugal lifestyle in comparison to my parents’ colleagues”? Heh? Just because someone asks you to justify yourself or your family, that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Try telling this guy, “No, I won’t downplay myself to please you.” And don’t budge. Good boyfriends actually like you.

Dear Carolyn: She’s Black, I’m White. We met in college and were best friends for six years, then dated for two. “Susan” and I are now engaged, and I couldn’t be happier, or more in love.

During our (mostly) platonic period, she learned a lot of important things about me — including that my parents are mildly bigoted, and very opposed to interracial coupling. Even once we started dating, she was okay with that; we both recognized it as a challenge we’d have to deal with together.

Recently, during a family dinner, my father said something so rude and insensitive that Susan called off our engagement that night. She claims it’s nothing I did wrong, that she just can’t imagine marrying someone whose family hates her for something she can’t change. Not to mention having to raise “these people’s grandkids.”

I say we’re still engaged, present tense, because she’s on the fence now, and I think we still have hope if I play my cards right. I don’t want to lose her. Help.

— Matt

Matt: If you want to keep her, don’t “play.” You love her. Say so. Make it clear you respect her by not minimizing her concerns.

And make it clear you deplore your father’s behavior, support her either way — you’d consider leaving you over this, wouldn’t you, in her position? — but hope she won’t give up on you for something you can’t change, having bigoted parents. Please note the omission of “mildly,” a six-letter slap in the face.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.