Carolyn Hax: The birds and the bees and the uncowed teens

By Carolyn Hax,

Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared Aug. 16, 2006.

Dear Carolyn: Do you have specific advice for teenagers (especially girls) to keep them from premarital sex, or are you one who smiles and says, “You are not mature, but if you must, here is a condom.” I need every trick in the book to make sure my kids never go down that road!

— Richmond

Richmond: No, you don’t. You need a clear, coherent, lifelong, well-thought-out message that reflects your values and shows respect both for your kids’ intelligence and for the strength of their hormones.

And, your kids need to know your love isn’t contingent upon their following the exact road you choose for them, because they won’t follow it exactly; you might as well accept that now. If they know you will love them regardless, though, and if you teach them the importance of good choices, they’ll find their own way, for their own reasons — which is the whole point.

In fact, the better you raise them, the more independent-minded they’ll be.

Tricks, on the other hand, are advance admissions of defeat, declarations that your kids can’t control themselves so you must control them. That pressure will annoy them — and the annoyed kids of parents who fear premarital sex know exactly how to get their revenge.

And oh, my goodness, lose the revolting, sexist double standard.

Dear Carolyn: I am single with no children, but I volunteer as a Little League baseball coach. I catch the usual grief from parents who think their kid should be playing more or playing a different position or (fill in the blank). My girlfriend, who comes to our games, overheard one of these conversations and just lit, calmly but very firmly, into the parent on my behalf.

On the one hand, I loved her for it, but on the other it was quite embarrassing to me. How do I tell her I appreciate her concern but her approach was not how I prefer to handle such situations? We have been dating seven months and see a long-term future together.

— Chicago

Chicago: On behalf of all of us who wish we’d been there, I ask you please to consider not silencing her. It’s something you should consider on your own behalf, too, but for different reasons.

You say yourself you loved her for it. Could it be this is just new for you and worth getting used to? Plus, her willingness to take on a carping Little League parent, (presumably) unarmed, suggests she has a strong character and isn’t afraid to use it. This, in turn, suggests the beatdown in the bleachers was neither the first nor anywhere near the last time she’d use it in public.

Therefore, it might be more realistic to see this not as what she did, but who she is, and therefore part of any future you have together.

If you thought her stepping in was inappropriate in this one situation, certainly you can thank her, applaud her guts and explain you’d rather the parents hear directly from you. It’s a narrow request, worth her respect.

Still, this also raises a new argument for not saying anything: It happened once. At least let it happen with one or two (or 172) more obnoxious parents before you bench her.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.