Miss Manners: Poky eater keeps family stuck at the table

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: My 11-year-old does all things slowly. The beat of his drum is something like one-quarter the speed of most people’s. Normally this is fine, and he can take his own sweet time, but mealtimes are a conundrum.

At dinner, polite behavior requires that diners wait for all to finish before moving on to dessert or other activities. However, this either requires the entire family to sit at the table an extra 30-45 minutes every night (and yes, we’re a typical, busy family with activities and homework to get to), or we leave him alone at the table to finish eating while we get on without him.

Sometimes we compromise by leaving one parent to sit with him. Sometimes we beg him to eat faster, but that seems unhealthy, as well as impolite. How would you address this nightly issue?

By encouraging the other family members to stay for a reasonable length of time — say, 30 minutes — in the name of togetherness and family loyalty. And when that does not work, tell them that you are supplementing their education with valuable conversation skills — ones that can help with college and job interviews later on.

Doing otherwise, Miss Manners cautions, will set a precedent that others can leave the table when they have eaten. But if your son is still not finished after the time allotted, move him to the kitchen, where you can still be with him, but also clean and do other household chores. Or increase those job skills by making his siblings do them instead.

Dear Miss Manners: My fiancee is a chronic double-booker. Often she suggests plans, only to message me shortly beforehand and say, “I cannot take you out because I forgot I have work/an interview/a phone call, etc.”

I love this person very much, and have really tried to accept that her poor time management is just part of the package, but in all honesty, it continues to hurt my feelings.

What offends me the most is that my fiancee has a tendency to negotiate after she apologizes. She says things like, “Well, it is your decision to be upset,” and “I wouldn’t have said to meet at 11 if you had told me yesterday that you had an appointment at 2.”

I feel that the tasteful thing to do in an apology is to simply accept blame and not point fingers or go into lengthy explanations. Am I wrong about this?

To make things more complicated, there are definitely cultural differences at work. Should I reduce my expectations in light of this?

Are you prepared to reduce them for as long as the two of you are married?

Cultural generalizations aside — and Miss Manners recommends that you be careful of that — you are the one who must determine if this is acceptable behavior. If it is not, tell her of its effects. Hurt feelings are nonnegotiable, and only build over time. Miss Manners suggests that you be careful of that, too.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin