Carolyn Hax: Her sister-in-law has the starring role in a mean girls group chat

By Carolyn Hax,

Dear Carolyn: My husband’s friend informed us that 16 of my husband’s female relatives and friends, led by my sister-in-law, have an active group chat devoted to how awful I am. I don’t share any of their family’s hobbies, religion or physical characteristics. Apparently, they’ve been trading cruel memes about these perceived faults for the past year and a half. My face was Photoshopped onto the Grinch’s body.

My husband and I are their age, but while they are all wealthy, well-educated, married homeowners with children, we are childless renters in graduate school. My sister-in-law has significantly more social capital than my husband.

My husband has stood up for me with his family and friends. He agrees his sister’s behavior — and the behavior of the others in this group — is unkind.

It feels like I’m being bullied, but nothing has been said directly to me. How should I respond to this, if at all? I know this has been a stressful year. Should I try to not be offended and view this as something that has morphed into their escape from pandemic parenting? Am I being overly sensitive?

— R.

R.: Oh my no. If anything, you are underly sensitive and overly kind. But I’m loath to discourage such a beautiful impulse: You’ve found a way to put a sympathetic spin on 18 months of group cruelty, and, wow, that just highlights how awful they are, and how wrong they are about you.

Please know you’re free to have nothing to do with these people ever again. That would be tough on your husband, yes, but nowhere near as tough as his bullying sister has been on you. It’s not even close. Plus, he owes you that sacrifice.

A kindness you can offer in return is your blessing for him to remain connected to them — in ways that minimize the emotional cost to you.

But there’s another thing you can do that would give you enormous badass capital: Calmly, without flinching, say to your sister-in-law: “I hear I’m the subject of a group chat. If true, then I hope you’ll have the courtesy to tell me what I’ve done to deserve that.”

I am not as generous as you are, so I would pay real money to watch her squirm. The payoff for you, though, would be the knowledge that you had the strength to do what she’s too craven to: express your concerns to a person’s face.

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

Dear Carolyn: At a family gathering — actually, a farewell party for my dying sister — an older first cousin who had always been cold to me asked, “Do you know why I’ve always hated you? Because you were born.”

How would you respond? I haven’t contacted her since, but I hope she’s reading this.

— M.

M.: I know exactly how I’d respond: I’d sit there with my jaw in my lap, not forming a comeback, because that’s how I always respond to egregious things in the moment. Then I’d spend the next week or three thinking of everything I wish I had been able to say.

I hope then, as I hope for you, that I’d wake up one day to the end of this process as I embraced her remark as the perfect gift. Because it would liberate me from any pretense of having a relationship with or duty to this person. Ever. Ahh.

There’s this, too, perversely: If your mistake was being born, then it wasn’t anything you did. Which is probably the three-days-late retort I would most wish I’d come to in the moment: “Oh, good — so it wasn’t anything I actually did. Whereas you just chose to be a monster out loud.”

More important than losing this cousin, however, is that you lost a sister. My sincerest condolences.

Dear Carolyn: My friend, 22, is seeing a 31-year-old drug user. She has a track record with abusive relationships — most of which she finds online — and it is so hard to watch her do this to herself time and time again. Our friends try to give her advice and she takes it in the moment, recognizing the severity of the situation. Yet she always returns to the guy.

What should we do? Is this something she has to learn on her own? I’m nervous this option could land her in a very dangerous situation.

— Concerned Friend

Concerned Friend: She already is in a dangerous situation: not well enough emotionally to make good decisions for herself. All outcomes flow from that troubled source.

You can’t solve this for her, or anyone.

However, you can encourage her, through leading questions, to find larger patterns. “Are you okay with ____?” “What would you say to me if my boyfriend ____?” “Why do you think ____?”

You can direct her to therapy, Al-Anon, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker. You say, “Call me if needed — 24/7.”

And you can, through consistent kindness and respect, show her she’s worthy of these from men.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.