Carolyn Hax: Therapy or restraining order? The answer is in the asking.

By Carolyn Hax,

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: How do you decide when someone has crossed the line from being badly behaved — unkind, angry, etc. — to being abusive? I guess another way of asking is, when is it time to stop seeking therapy and seek a restraining order instead?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Bad behavior — “unkind, angry, etc.” — from an intimate partner is abuse — unless you’re talking about extremely rare occasions with a clear explanation, like depression or other mental illness, and/or significant external stressors, and followed by an immediate acceptance of responsibility for crossing that line.

Also, when you’re dealing with someone who is frequently mean to or angry with you, the answer isn’t couples counseling. (I’m assuming that’s what you’ve referred to.) It’s either just leaving the relationship on that basis alone, or going into solo counseling to sort out the reasons you feel you can’t leave someone who mistreats you so often.

And finally, if you’re asking about a restraining order, then it’s time to go — but with extreme caution and with the guidance and, if needed, protection of experts. Start here if you don’t have something lined up yet: the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233, and thehotline.org; or the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, or RAINN, 800-656-4673, and rainn.org. That’s because perpetrators of “unkind, angry” behavior often escalate when they realize they’re losing control of their relationship.

MOSAIC threat assessment, mosaicmethod.com, from Gavin de Becker’s organization, author of “The Gift of Fear,” can help you gauge your risk.

Take good care of yourself, please. Make those calls.

And in general, hold this in mind, especially if it’s something you weren’t taught to believe: The people who deserve your (personal) time are the ones who, consistently, behave as if they’re grateful to have it.

Dear Carolyn: A friend is dating someone whose wife died less than a year ago — 10 months. She is quite taken with him, thinks he treats her great and she’s really happy. She is concerned how this looks, though, to friends of the now-deceased wife, who have commented that he’s dating too soon.

My mantra is, “If you’re happy, consenting adults, then it’s all good,” but she keeps asking me about it and honestly I think he’s really clingy really fast and it gives me pause. I should just keep my mouth shut, right?

— Keeping My Mouth Shut

Keeping My Mouth Shut: “You’re asking me this a lot. Any reason? Are you concerned?”

The optics are a nonissue, but the clinginess could be one soon if it isn’t already. And certainly the friends could be concerned about his emotional state in general — including what they perceive as a rush to date again — and not specifically about your friend’s involvement with him.

So, open the door for her to figure out what about this relationship, if anything, isn’t sitting right with her. People who are “really happy” rally, and tend not to pepper their friends with questions.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.