Carolyn Hax: How and when to tell your 10-year-old about your upcoming divorce

By Carolyn Hax,

Dear Carolyn: My spouse and I are divorcing. We have been living in separate households for a while due to some career limitations, so our 10-year-old, who lives with me full-time, won’t see too many impacts to day-to-day life.

My spouse is basically refusing to join me in telling our child until Spouse can be here “in person,” but has given me no time frame as to when he plans to travel. I don’t want to keep my child in the dark.

Is this a conversation better had in slow trickles, or in one, hey-let-me-tell-you-this-information conversation? Should I wait for Spouse or fly solo, as I have done for almost every hard conversation?

— Divorcing

Divorcing: What a difficult time, I’m sorry.

I see three things that belong in this decision.

1. Your child’s right to know.

2. Your spouse’s right to be present for the conversation and have his say.

3. Your history with Spouse and difficult conversations.

Your child’s sense of security is paramount. This would usually suggest weighting their right to know above other considerations — to explain any mysterious divorce-related goings-on, instead of leaving your child to assume the worst — but your situation is unusual. There won’t be any disruptions to explain, at least not for a while.

That means you can give more weight than usual to your spouse’s right to be there for his child in person.

This conversation — the truth, no “slow trickles” — is also going to be your first act as co-parents who aren’t married. For your kid’s sake, set the proper tone for post-divorce collaboration by respecting your spouse’s place in the family.

You don’t have to be patient forever, though, and that’s where history comes in. If you know your spouse to be avoidant, then set a deadline. “I’ll wait for you to travel here to tell Child, of course. But we’re obviously talking a month here, not a year — so if you don’t come by April” — or May, or fall, I’m just scripting here — “then we either Zoom or I tell Child myself.”

Since there’s no escaping it, no matter how pressing our need is for denial, I’ll add one more factor in your decision:

4. Coronavirus.

You say, “time frame as to when he plans to travel,” and I say, “Eek.” Presumably he takes proper precautions, but a virus has no regard for even the most heartbreaking family situations, so I can’t just presume. Be safe, be patient, be firm.

Dear Carolyn: My wife is in pretty good health, and she regularly sees a dentist and brushes her teeth. Yet for the past few years she often will have bad breath. And it’s not just when you get really close, either; you can be two or three feet away and still smell it, and it’s not good.

I don’t know how to approach her on it. I know she will be offended/angry/upset somehow. But I wonder if it is just me, or if business colleagues of hers also notice. Any advice on how to handle?

— Pa.

Pa.: Oh — tellher tellher tellher, please. Without mentioning the “few years” part so she doesn’t have to replay, in utter torment, every encounter she has had with anyone for the past 1,100 days, give or take. “Your hygiene is good, obviously, but it’s happening often, so I’m worried it’s something else.”

Of course it will be upsetting for her. Mortifying. But she needs to know.

Specifically, she needs to be empowered to take actions to prevent repelling people — though we’re all still in masks! Indefinitely! Woo-hoo! Yes this is sarcasm! And she needs to do some medical sleuthing in case there’s an underlying cause. Dentist first, then primary care doctor, then onward as needed.

If you have any doubts about being the bearer of foul news, then banish them now. This is why we form, nurture, treasure our closest relationships: so that we have someone invested enough in our well-being to break our own bad news to us. Ideally, please, pretty please, before we leave the house.

Dear Carolyn: My husband is a workaholic. I know that won’t change when he retires. I’ve raised five children and have two grandmothers with dementia in our home during this pandemic. We hope to be able to move them to memory care by summer. I am finally taking a college class for fun.

I also want to travel, go camping and hiking, see Alaska, etc. Should I just plan these trips and tell him he can join me if he wants, but I am going with or without him? I have been the stay-at-home wife and mother — he was military and gone frequently — and I feel this is my time to enjoy life.

— My Time

My Time: Yes! Go. With or without. As soon as conditions permit. Though you might want to let him know you prefer the “with” option. Assuming you do. Bon voyage.

Write to Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at wapo.st/haxpost.