Miss Manners: Responding to unwanted messages on dating sites

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I am a single lesbian woman in my early 30s. Because I don’t intend to stay single, I registered on a Christian dating site that allows LGBTQ people to join. My profile page lists my sexual orientation, and I clearly state that I am looking for a woman.

I get quite a lot of responses. Unfortunately, most of them are from men. The men who send me messages fall into three categories:

First, there are the men who clearly didn’t read my profile page.

Second is the group I call “the preachers.” Their messages can be summarized as, “Repent, sinner, for the Kingdom of God is not for people like you who give in to their sinful homosexual urges” — often accompanied by a couple of verses from scripture. Some leave it at that, while some offer themselves as a date so that they can save my immortal soul by letting me date someone of the opposite sex.

The third group consists of men who respond to “I’m a lesbian” with “Challenge accepted.” I have been told that I “don’t look lesbian”; I’ve been asked whether I’m a “real lesbian” (as opposed to what?); and I’ve been asked how I would know that I’m not attracted to men. Two men flat-out wrote that I just hadn’t been with someone like them (which almost made me throw up).

As a rule, I respond to all personal messages, because I believe that to be the right and polite thing to do. But these men make me question that rule.

What is Miss Manners’ opinion in the matter? Is one obliged to answer a message from someone who clearly didn’t take the effort to read even the most basic information on a profile page?

And how does one respond in a proper way to men who wish to “convert” a lesbian to dating them?

No, it is not necessary to respond. But if you feel you must, Miss Manners suggests: “Thank you, but as I stated in my profile, I am interested in dating only women. My preferences are as unlikely to change as your own.”

Dear Miss Manners: After dinner one evening, a guest was unable to dislodge a bit of food in his teeth. He asked me for a toothpick, showing some disappointment when I couldn’t find one.

The next day, he gifted me with a pack of them, hoping that I would keep them on my dinner table for future use. I graciously accepted them but quietly put them away.

What is the acceptable usage of toothpicks after meals these days? As much as I want to accommodate my guests, I’m really not crazy about them picking their teeth in front of me, or others, after dinner.

I realize that it was routinely done in bygone days, before the dawn of modern dental hygiene, but times have changed. How would Miss Manners tackle the situation now?

By keeping the toothpicks in the guest bathroom, where you may then politely direct your guests saying, “I am sure that you would like some privacy.”

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin