Some people were worried about a nonexistent problem, so we made a real one

Hi, yes, we saw that some people were worried about a UFO landing on the community playground and replacing all the children with empty spacesuits full of bees. Yes, technically, this has never happened to anyone, but it would sure be terrible to be the first — so we have put up an electrified UFO-proof fence around the playground! This will keep all the UFOs out. Also, the kids won’t be able to use it, but this will help keep them safe from UFOs, so, win-win!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was afraid of being slain by sky dolphins, so we have put a big net over the entire city. The net really won’t affect you unless you want to go outdoors!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned that if their 11-year-old was allowed to receive any mail, they would inevitably be summoned to to an expensive out-of-state boarding school for wizards, so we have canceled all mail delivery! Sorry, USPS! Sorry, everyone! We must take these concerns seriously.

Hi, yes, someone was concerned that if he stared too long at a stoplight he would turn into a lizard (really unclear why he thought this but not our job to judge)! We’ve gotten rid of all the stoplights.

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned that if cats ever learned to read, they would turn on us, so we will be coming door-to-door to repossess your cat. I don’t make the rules, except in the limited, technical sense that I am the lawmaker responsible for making this rule! People’s concerns, however dubiously grounded, are my only god, and I follow wherever they lead.

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned about witches loose on the subway, so we are now requiring everyone who wants to board public transit to quickly be tested via the ducking stool! Sorry for the inconvenience, but no concern is too invalid not to demand that we completely rejigger a system that was working fine before.

Hi, yes, someone was concerned that these laws were overkill in response to fictional concerns, which made her neighbor worried that that person was a witch, so we have dropped the skeptic into a pond and are waiting to hear back!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned about voter fraud, so we are banning anyone besides poll workers from offering water to people waiting in line to vote, curtailing drop boxes, throwing out the votes of anyone who votes out of precinct with a provisional ballot before 5 p.m. and virtually ensuring that election certification will be controlled by Republicans! No, we don’t have any evidence of actual fraud, but that doesn’t matter. Of course this is in good faith, not a cynical ploy rooted in the deeply racist history of voter suppression. Someone had a concern. It’s our job to address every concern.

Read more: