What AOC’s and FKA twigs’ stories teach us about surviving sexual assault
By Jelena Kecmanovic,
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Over the past few months, three prominent American women revealed that they had survived sexual assault and other forms of interpersonal violence (a term that also covers domestic violence, physical assault, stalking and childhood abuse). The increased openness about such abuse is a testament to positive changes in this country — but we’ve got a long way to go. Because April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, now is a good time to discuss how family, friends and society can be more compassionate and helpful to survivors.
As we learned recently, such survivors include singer FKA twigs, who filed a lawsuit in December against her former partner, actor Shia LaBeouf, in which she accused him of sexual assault, battery and emotional distress; Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.), who shared that she was a sexual assault survivor in a Feb. 1 video; and actress Evan Rachel Wood who, also on Feb. 1, went public on Instagram with allegations that musician Marilyn Manson abused her for years.
Ocasio-Cortez discussed the ordeal while she was streaming a 90-minute Instagram Live video recounting her experience during the Jan. 6 Capitol riot. Visibly emotional, she also told her viewers that the Jan. 6 trauma compounded an earlier one: “I’m a survivor of sexual assault, and I haven’t told many people that in my life,” she said.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/ocasio-cortez-reveals-shes-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault/2021/02/01/6e430ede-8c5b-441a-bb71-adaf167d1bd5_video.html
In this video, which has been viewed about 6 million times, Ocasio-Cortez gave eloquent voice to one of the reasons it is so difficult to heal from interpersonal violence: The negative societal reactions that victims face. “There’s the trauma of going through what you went through, and then there’s the trauma afterward with people not believing you or trying to publicly humiliate you or trying to embarrass you,” Ocasio-Cortez said.
This reality was evident on social media when the lawmaker, who received much public support after her disclosure, also was derided by detractors, including a journalist who said she was using it for “emotional manipulation.”
[How to support loved ones during Sexual Assault Awareness Month and beyond, according to experts.]
As a clinical psychologist, I have seen how the revelations by these public figures have resonated with many people who have been interpersonally traumatized, which is a distressingly common crime in our society. According to a 2015 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention survey, 1 in 5 women experienced rape or attempted rape. About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men suffered sexual violence, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner. The coronavirus pandemic has made things worse: Incidents of domestic violence increased after lockdowns were instituted in 2020, according to a meta-analysis released in February by the National Commission on Covid-19 and Criminal Justice.
In recent years, the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements have increased the awareness of interpersonal violence and have worked to reduce the stigma that goes along with it. But, “In our society, there is still messaging that leads survivors to think that they won’t be believed, that they will be blamed for enabling abuse or not leaving sooner,” said Angie C. Kennedy, associate professor at the School of Social Work at Michigan State University. “These messages contribute to the shame that survivors feel.”
VALERIE MACON
AFP/Getty Images
British singer-songwriter FKA twigs, at the 2020 Grammy Awards, has filed a lawsuit against her former partner, actor Shia LaBeouf.
Consider a recent CBS This Morning interview, during which co-host Gayle King asked FKA twigs why she didn’t leave her abusive relationship earlier. The singer responded that she wasn’t going to answer that question anymore. “Because the question should really be to the abuser: ‘Why are you holding someone hostage with abuse?’ ” she said. “People say it can’t have been that bad, because else you would’ve left. But it’s like, no, it’s because it was that bad, I couldn’t leave.”
[Preventing campus sexual assault isn’t just about sex. It’s also about race.]
Many of the traumatized patients in my practice report feeling judged for what they have endured and for the resultant psychological problems. Fear of being scrutinized and held responsible for what happened is one of the main reasons interpersonal trauma survivors avoid, or at least delay, disclosure and seeking help.
“When I was sexually abused at 13, I got into some unhealthy behaviors and my friends’ parents wouldn’t let them associate with me anymore,” said Willa Pearl Hahn, a 26-year-old PR professional from Albany, N.Y. “I learned the hard way that you should be quiet because people prefer to sweep ugly things under the rug.” It was only much later, when she experienced a triggering event that brought back the trauma, that she got profession help.
Frazer Harrison
Getty Images
Actress Evan Rachel Wood, who stars in HBO’s “Westworld,” has alleged that musician Marilyn Manson “horrifically abused me for years.”
“Trauma survivors often fear that if they are found and exposed, they will be rejected and lose connection to people,” said Teresa Lopez-Castro, assistant professor of psychology at the City College of New York. “Unfortunately, being cut off from social support makes trauma survivors more susceptible to developing PTSD, depression and other psychological problems.”
What can we do, as individuals and as a society, to reduce the shaming and rejection of interpersonal trauma survivors? Brave people who have disclosed the abuse they suffered, often risking their reputation and even their safety, are powerful models of how survivors can find their voices and increase public awareness of the problem. But we cannot place the weight of this societal change on their shoulders alone.
What individuals can do
If you have friends or family members you are worried about, be on the lookout for subtle signs and changes in their regular behavior. “Survivors often have a very hard time putting their thoughts, feelings and memories into words. They also struggle with eye contact and feel initially very far away,” said Melissa Platt, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Portland, Ore. When talking about what is going on, survivors might show other signs: soft speech, hesitation, false smiling, hunching shoulders, fidgeting or covering their face with their hands.
[Sexual assault against boys is far more common than we think]
Try to be present and accepting, ask open-ended questions and listen non-judgmentally. “If I’m having the urge to ignore, question or criticize someone disclosing abuse, for example, I need to get clear on what is going with me in order to show up for them,” Platt said.
Being patient and respecting a survivor’s pace in dealing with their trauma also is important. You can help by providing a haven, researching mental-health-care options, and linking survivors to appropriate resources and organizations such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the National Sexual Violence Resources Center and the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies.
What society can do
Universities have taken the lead in designing, implementing and sometimes testing student programs that address gender stereotypes and interpersonal violence, with some success. Bystander intervention programs in schools and colleges also have proved effective in changing knowledge and views about sexual assault (in addition to helping to prevent them). But more educational institutions must come on board if we hope to reduce interpersonal violence on campus.
Furthermore, we should implement evidence-based educational programs that tackle gender stereotypes much earlier than college. Research shows that intervening at a younger age offers a greater chance of successfully changing gender-related attitudes. It also captures a wider population.
Despite the renewed emphasis and legal requirements for sexual harassment training, workplaces are often lagging in making true changes, advocates say. “Organizations need to do more than check the box by providing trainings that are often ineffective in changing the climate, attitudes or behaviors,” said Jennifer J. Freyd, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the nonprofit Center for Institutional Courage.
Freyd advised implementing evidence-based strategies such as using anonymous surveys to assess levels of sexual harassment, the ease of reporting such issues and the way complaints are handled. “Recognizing and rewarding whistleblowers, instead of punishing them, is also crucial,” she said.
Increasing openness, acceptance and transparency is key in fostering a workplace climate in which survivors won’t be shamed, stigmatized or penalized. Gia Vecchio, 30, of Philadelphia always kept her mental health issues related to past traumas hidden at the office. “Observing how others with similar problems were deemed handicapped or incapable of advancing, how it was held against them, I downplayed my symptoms and worked doubly hard to make sure no one found out,” said Vecchio, who now owns a communication business.
Even health-care settings could benefit from higher recognition and directness when it comes to interpersonal violence. A recent study found that the majority of women would be comfortable if their health provider asked if they had experienced sexual assault, but only a minority were screened for it.
Finally, media coverage, movies, music and video games all play a significant role in how we view interpersonal violence. The media have a social responsibility to avoid salacious details and story lines, even if those attract more attention, said J. Gayle Beck, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Memphis. “When trauma is sensationalized, it can do a lot of harm to a great number of people who have experienced something similar,” Beck added.
Only a sustained education effort, support for survivors and courage to stand up for them will send a clear message that we will not tolerate interpersonal violence or abandon our targeted friends, family members, colleagues and peers when they most need us. Such commitment can lead to true healing.
Jelena Kecmanovic is the founding director of the Arlington/DC Behavior Therapy Institute and an adjunct professor of psychology at Georgetown University. Find her @DrKpsychologist.
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