Miss Manners: Pizza is nice, but still send written thanks

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: My elderly mother always impressed upon me the importance of thank-you notes, for which I am grateful. She also has often confided her displeasure at not receiving them from various family members after gift-giving.

She has now gifted each of her children with a nice sum of money, for which I am extremely grateful. In response — as she now finds cooking while taking care of my ailing father to be rather taxing — I had some of their favorite gourmet pizzas delivered with the message, “Pizzas are much more fun than thank-you notes!”

Should I still provide an additional, traditional note as well?

If Miss Manners were your mother, she would thank you for the pizza by sending you a can of sardines.

It is nice of you to send the pizza, but must you throw in a taunt? Your message says, in effect, “I’m so thoughtful that I can skip what I know you expect.”

Dear Miss Manners: Having undergone knee surgeries, I am the owner of a few scars, some more visible than others. I do not believe that this fact obliges me to wrap myself up from head to toe to avoid violating public decency, particularly if the weather is close to boiling and I am in my own garden or enjoying the sunshine at the beach.

However, I have met with some comments that left me dumbfounded and hurt. One came from a gentleman who was passing by my front gate and felt the urge to share that I should have covered up my legs, as they make one want to throw up. He further commented that showing such repulsive things in public should be banned. At the time, I just stared at him, lost for words.

Unfortunately, I hear unwelcome comments or inquisitive remarks (the former mostly from adults, the latter from children) every now and again, and I would be grateful for any suggestions on what to say. I hope to memorize something to say, since my mind goes blank in these moments, unable to comprehend the levels of rudeness of some people.

What Miss Manners would say to the adult is, “Thank you for your sympathy.” But as that is probably too mild for you, and perhaps too subtle for your attacker, she would allow, “What about displaying ugly behavior in public?”

Children require a different approach, as they have not been taught that curiosity is not an excuse for intrusiveness. So she recommends a gentle tone when you say, “People do not like to be asked to explain the way they look.”

Dear Miss Manners: My sister thinks my fiance should ask her blessing to marry me in lieu of our parents, who are dead. I say no, but she seems to think it a sign of respect for him to ask her, just as he would ask our parents.

You do realize, Miss Manners hopes, that this is a sweet little meaningless courtesy? One left over from a time when fathers mistakenly thought that they should dismiss suitors for whom they did not care, but their daughters did?

Of course you do, because you became engaged without consulting anyone but yourselves. So why do you begrudge humoring your sister? Isn’t it rather nice that she wants to participate?

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin