Miss Manners: To knock or to rattle?

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: When confronted with a closed bathroom door, should one knock gently to see if it’s occupied or try the handle?

I was taught to knock at all closed doors when someone might be inside, under my mother’s theory that if someone is in a room with a closed door, they want privacy. If it is a restroom, they definitely want privacy, and it is not unknown for restroom doors to lock insecurely.

However, I have also been told that knocking is rude and that I should just gently try the handle. I did this yesterday at a restaurant. The door was not locked, and a mother was helping her preschooler wash his hands. I apologized, and she laughed and said that he had just unlocked the door before she grabbed him to make him wash his hands.

Personally, I find someone rattling the door handle to be disconcerting and demanding. I feel as though I really need to hurry that which cannot be hurried and then wash my hands more quickly than I would usually.

Your misguided adviser has one thing right: No one wishes to be startled while conducting their business. But knocking on the door is the polite thing to do.

Miss Manners reminds everyone that there is a vast difference between knocking and banging. Trying the handle seems to her to demonstrate a believable, but unwelcome, impatience. It can also have far worse outcomes than the one you describe.

Dear Miss Manners: After college, my fiance passed away because of a chronic illness. We had decided early in our relationship that we didn’t want kids.

Some time has passed since his death, and I adopted a dog as a companion. Now, everyone — from my family and friends (who know I don’t want kids) to the vet and trainer (who know nothing about my past) — refers to me as “mom” when talking to the dog. “Oh, your mom got you a cute collar,” etc.

When people call me “mom” in reference to my dog, what can I say instead of politely smiling while holding back tears?

The problem can be explained to friends and family, who can be expected to be sympathetic, but explaining your pain to every stranger is neither seemly nor productive.

The vet and trainer were guilty only of childish informality — they meant no harm and could not have known their comments would cause pain. (You yourself anthropomorphize the dog when you say you adopted him as a companion.)

But after a loss such as yours, even a silly, well-intended remark can spark a difficult association. This is why mourners used to absent themselves from society for a time, and then to wear black — it warned others to tread lightly.

Now that neither practice is followed, the best you can do is not to try to pretend your mood is lighter than it is — and to excuse yourself when you need a moment to compose yourself.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin