Carolyn Hax: You! Are! Calm! even though Mom always says to ‘calm down’

No, I’m Really Calm.: Have you tried the direct — when you’re calm! — “Mom, when you tell me to calm down, I feel more anxious. Would you please stop?” And follow that with: “What I do find helpful after I share something is _____.” That can be a supportive question like, “Are you okay?” or “Anything I can do?”; a supportive comment, such as, “It sounds like you’ve got it under control”; or a supportive how-to, like, “Do you want advice or just an ear?”