A history of the United States, according to statues

We do know for certain, however, that the best people in America (as determined by their fitness for statuary) all fought for something called “the Confederacy.” Its geographical extent, as marked by flags and statues, remains very unclear. Some findings suggest it extended as far as Maine. As far as the statues of the bearded men on horses tell us, there was no reason not to fight for the Confederacy, although, inexplicably, some people seem to have abstained; the causes for the war remain shrouded in mystery.