Miss Manners: You know, you really shouldn’t say ‘should’

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: I am a 48-year-old man with a new girlfriend who is 40. We each have two children. We’ve been together four months. Things are going really well, so we decided to involve our kids in the relationship.

I see a lot of differences in manners between the two families. One thing that is starting to perturb me somewhat is the use of the word “should.” My girlfriend uses it all the time, constantly: “You should do this” and “You should do that.” I recently met her dad, and now I know where she got it from. She comes by it honestly.

I try not to say “You should” or even “I should.” The former, to me, is rude. You are telling someone what to do, as if their way is inferior. It sets an expectation. You are trying to change them.

For the latter, telling myself “I should” sounds weak. I’m saying I really ought to do something a better way, but I don’t have the fortitude to do it. My girlfriend thinks my reasoning is crazy.

Is telling someone “you should” poor manners? Frankly, I’m growing tired of hearing her tell me what I “should” do.

Even doctors — or advice columnists — would do well not to use “should” if for no other reason than the risk of being wrong. Miss Manners agrees that it is generally impolite — and its commanding and know-it-all nature not worth the annoyance to the listener.

But as with so many verbal generalities, it is also situational, and common sense must prevail. A colleague of Miss Manners’ is fond of saying that no one wants a collaborative firefighter, debating whether one “could” exit a burning building. So let us also be careful not to overcorrect.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the proper way to eat rambutans?

With a porcupine. So that it can teach you its ways.

Dear Miss Manners: What is the etiquette for greeting co-workers or acquaintances whom one sees repeatedly during the day?

I am a teacher. I am lucky enough to have delightful colleagues, with many of whom I am cordial, but not close. We see one another frequently in the halls.

How many times should we greet each other out loud? When, if ever, is it permissible to acknowledge one another with a smile and a quick nod of the head?

I would not wish my fellow teachers to think me rude, but neither do I wish to engage in the awkwardness of one-sided greetings.

One full-on greeting a day per colleague is plenty, followed by subsequent hallway nods, smiles, salutes, high-fives and utterances of “’sup,” depending upon the intimacy of each relationship.

Rotating these exchanges will no doubt result in a misplaced “Not much!” to a “How’s it going?”, but Miss Manners has faith that you and your co-workers will find your rhythm eventually.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin