Miss Manners: Caller is shocked — shocked! — by polite phone greeting

By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,

Dear Miss Manners: When I phone businesses, sometimes the person answering will say, “To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?” This salutation has occurred frequently enough that it appears to be a common business practice and that a whole generation of associates have been trained to use it.

To date, I have answered, “I think you are asking for my name. My name is Daisy Dingle.”

On one occasion, I allowed my frustration to become evident by answering, “This is not an appropriate way for you to address me. This is not a social call; this is a business call. My name is Daisy Dingle.”

I will say I was treated rather frostily, although efficiently, after saying this. What is the best way to respond to this salutation?

Whatever trends come and go, it will always be rude to snap back at people who are trying to be polite. “Who is calling, please?” might be more businesslike, but Miss Manners is pleased to see that the longer version includes the word “whom.” It’s been a long time.

The best way to respond? “Daisy Dingle from the Rankal Company. May I please speak to Mr. Hinkle?”

Dear Miss Manners: Are you ever tempted to comment on the general rudeness of the comments your readers post about these letters and your responses?

Never.

Dear Miss Manners: Some years ago, for several months, I worked for a business owned by an older married couple. They were nice people, but rather strait-laced.

One day the husband was hashing over some things with me, and he said that his wife would prefer that I not eat an apple when she is talking to me. She had said, according to him, “It’s rude; he shouldn’t do it.”

In fairness, he delivered this in a reasonable, non-abusive manner, and he was pretty decent about hearing what I had to say. But the statement “It’s rude; he shouldn’t do it” didn’t sit very well with me.

I didn’t mean anything by eating the apple, so what was “rude” about it? If I had done something inherently disrespectful, like saying, “Shut the (expletive) up,” that would have been another matter.

This was a hot button for me, because a number of people in my life, including my parents, have said that my innocent actions were rude. And unlike my then-employer, they were quite nasty about it. Why can’t I decree that other people’s innocuous actions are rude?

Because you know firsthand how unpleasant that is.

But that is not to say that unintentional rudeness does not exist. Apologies are due for unfortunate consequences, whatever the motivation. If you step on someone’s foot, it hurts even if you didn’t mean to do it.

You cannot expect Miss Manners to judge the apple question without knowing the circumstances; neither does she know whether your nasty relatives nevertheless had legitimate grievances. It seems to her that all of you would profit from questioning your own actions.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

2021, by Judith Martin