Miss Manners: Should I ask my roommate if she’s annoyed by my guest?
By Judith Martin, Nicholas Martin and Jacobina Martin,
Dear Miss Manners: College dorms can be difficult terrain to handle, and I have had a hard time dealing with a very passive roommate.
I live in a suite, so there’s a living room and a bedroom. My roommate plays guitar openly in the living space all the time but gets annoyed when I sing or hum at all, which feels unfair.
My real problem is I have a friend who comes over around twice a week. We just hang out — usually we don’t make a lot of noise or mess. The desks are in the bedroom, but my roommate will often study in the living space instead. My friend and I will ask her if it is okay to watch something on the TV, and she always says yes, but then gets pretty annoyed when we do. Even if we don’t watch TV and we’re just hanging out in the room, she’ll be annoyed by our presence.
She never verbally opposes his coming over. Does it make me a bad roommate to have my friend over and want to be doing stuff while she’s around?
Is it too obvious an answer to ask her that question? Everyone here is being outwardly polite, so from that angle, Miss Manners has little to add.
However, you are sensing annoyance, real or perceived, so better to have this all discussed so that it does not escalate.
Your roommate knows that it is reasonable to have guests. But it is also fair for her to want to use her entire dorm suite, rather than feel that she has to hide in the bedroom when your friend is over.
As it seems to be a regular occurrence, perhaps you can make a schedule — and abide by it. Or ask her to be included when it comes to the choice of television program or topic of conversation. Talking about this openly and reasonably should smooth over any ruffled feelings — and prove to be as much a part of your college education as any actual classes in the art of negotiation.
Dear Miss Manners: My wife and I are in disagreement about the proper etiquette for extending an invitation.
I feel that either the husband or wife can extend invitations as long as there is good communication between the two of them. She is of the opinion that it is more proper for the wife to make the invitation if the occasion is in the home.
This has caused a minor rift between us. We have agreed to allow you to be the final word.
The final word in issuing social invitations goes to the person to whom the most responsibility falls: either the chef, the primary housekeeper or some combination of the two.
This is a matter of practicality, not gender, but as it was at one time presumed to be the wife’s domain, Miss Manners assumes that this is the reasoning of yours. If that is your domestic situation, then she is correct. If it is not, or if it is a shared responsibility, then your good communication should go toward trading off who issues the invitations accordingly.
There is, of course, another possibility, which is that your wife would like the final say in your choice of guests. If that is the case, then Miss Manners defers to her.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
2021, by Judith Martin