Carolyn Hax: Arriving empty-handed feels wrong but new boyfriend insists it’s all right

But I just can’t fathom going empty-handed. Any ideas as to what I can bring?

— Never Empty-Handed

Never Empty-Handed: Tell Boyfriend you’d like to get in touch with his mother directly, if he won’t work with you on this.

Also tell him his “you don’t need to bring anything” is easy for him to say, and maybe even well-intended by letting you off the hook — but it actually puts you in an awkward position. He is seeing this through the family lens, but you are not family and you’re newish to everyone, so you don’t know how you’ll be judged.

You want to make a good impression. If he wants to set you up to succeed, then he either needs to give you a token way to contribute, or be more thoughtful in explaining his family culture to you, or connect you to his mom (or whoever’s hosting) to find out for yourself.

If he resists all of these, then, whoo. That’s not a cooperative person.

RE: Empty-Handed: I agree with Carolyn that it would be best if you could call the mom directly. I also like to take a small gift for the host/hostess at a party, but I would suggest never taking food to a dinner unless you have been asked to — for, say, a potluck. Don’t surprise them with a gift you expect them to serve at that very meal. Many cooks plan their whole meal and take pride in having everything from appetizer to dessert to wine selections.

The exception would be if your food or drink gift is actually a gift, for the hosts to consume later, and in that case be sure to tell them that when you present it.

— Anonymous

Re: Guest: Yes, please arrive empty-handed. I find hosting people who are compelled to bring something, anything, very tiring. Fine to ask if you can contribute to the meal, for instance, but if the answer is no, then accept that.

Tired: Yes, yes. When I tell my guests what (not) to bring, I want them to take me at my word, not send me looking for a vase for the lovely and well-meant flowers.

In the case of someone new being invited into the fold, though, the standards shift a bit. The balance of power is more precarious. The boyfriend can be more helpful here. That’s all.