How do I kindly end a long friendship? Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

For years I’ve been happy to listen and be a source of support, but I’ve finally reached my limit. After I see or talk with her, I feel depleted and down. I don’t wish her any ill will and don’t want to end things dramatically.

I’m looking for guidance on how to be kind to her while also being honest about the fact that I just don’t enjoy her company anymore. We don’t get together in person often, but there are times we exchange texts frequently. I don’t want to “ghost” her by not responding and I also don’t want to get sucked in to these rant fests or arrange in-person meetings anymore.

— Anonymous

Anonymous: Kind doesn’t always mean pleasant or even graceful. If you’ve never done so before, the kindest thing to do would be to tell her, once, how you feel: “It saddens me that you are dealing with so much unhappiness, but our meetups have felt very one-sided focusing on your issues, for a long time now. I want to be in friendships that are a give-and-take; and I don’t want to continue with things the way they are.”

Own your feelings and your experiences, and don’t put blame anywhere it doesn’t belong. It’s up to you if you want to give her a chance to change, or not. If you have already spoken up in the past, then it’s enough to say, gently, “I’m sorry, but as I’ve said before, this friendship doesn’t feel mutually supportive anymore to me and so unfortunately I need to end this. I hope things go well for you” (or whatever wording seems honest and clear to you). If she texts or calls after that, you can ignore.

To keep in mind: The kindest thing (though, I can say from experience, not the easiest, or the most graceful or pleasant) is to speak up before you get to the point of no return.

Anonymous: I was that person, the complainer, years ago. A longtime friend met with me and broke up and told me why. It was harsh and painful and it was a gift … a true gift. It took the shocking jolt of such pain to make me take action.

Took time to absorb it and do it, but I went to therapy and faced many things. I’m a better and happier person now, with many new friends and a different outlook on life. Bonus — the old friend came back. So, be honest with the friend. She will learn nothing if she’s ghosted. If your friendship meant something to you before, give her this painful gift.

— Honesty Please And Don’t Ghost

Anonymous: Oh, man. I was on the other side of this recently (well over two years ago now, but honestly it still feels recent because I considered that person such a good friend). I was the friend that got dumped, except I’m not actually sure why because she did actually ghost me, so I commend you for being kind enough not to do that.

The thing about ghosting a long-term friend is that they don’t realize they are being ghosted at first, they just start to panic that something bad happened to you when you stop responding suddenly and then feel awful when they figure out that nope, you are fine, you just quit them. And then they are humiliated that they were so worried about your well-being when you clearly don’t care much for them, and angry that you put them through that when the kinder thing would have been to just use your words.

Just be honest. You can say something similar to what you’ve wrote here: “You don’t seem like the same woman I remember. You seem unhappy with every aspect of your life and every time we meet or talk, the conversations are almost exclusively one-sided rants about the sad state of affairs of your life. After I see or talk with you, I feel depleted and down.”

Then see how she responds. Maybe she knows she dumps on you and feels bad about it afterward. Maybe you can come up with strategies together to get out of this pattern in your friendship. Sometimes shining a light on a problem is all it takes to disinfect it. If you aren’t up for that right now or if she responds poorly you can follow up with, “I don’t wish you any ill will, but I need my space from you right now.”

If you are truly closing the door, you can be stronger about ending it. Maybe she’ll realize you were right and work on herself. Maybe you’ll start to miss her and will be up for meeting to see if anything has changed. People so often confuse telling someone something that is hard to hear as being mean. But it’s not. Doing it in a mean way is mean, but doing it in a respectful and compassionate way is actually one of the biggest gifts we can give someone.

— Anonymous 2

Anonymous: I am in a similar situation. I have determined that there is no need to “end” the relationship in a dramatic fashion. But I am also unwilling to engage in these conversations anymore. It’s been a one-way street for far too long. Instead, I provide brief but responsive feedback (so I’m not ghosting her). I don’t ask her questions to encourage the rants/negativity. For example, I recently said, “I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re dealing with a lot.” Our communications have dwindled, and while I notice that she has become somewhat passive aggressive on social media (posting memes that express her anger and frustration), I don’t have to deal with it.

— Drifting Away

Anonymous: Wisdom from my mother — there are daily friends, weekly friends, seasonal friends and once-a-year friends. This last category is a place to put people with whom you have a history, who you value, and who you realize when you gather, that once a year is enough.

— Meisje

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.