I think my mother-in-law doubts my baby’s paternity. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

My future MIL has always been completely kind to me and to the baby, she is just not as lovely and warm as she is with her other grandkids. There may be other factors, e.g. she wishes we had gotten married before the baby arrived, but we didn’t. It’s not a race thing; the other grandkids are also multiracial.

My fiance and I both know how everything happened and why the timing seems so potentially sketchy, but that seems like none of her business. Yet I am wondering whether it would be a good idea, and the easiest way to increase her investment in my baby, if I were to present her with a paternity test proving that he is her genetic grandchild. What do you think?

— Anonymous

Anonymous: It’s hard to know what you mean about your MIL not being “as warm and as lovely as she is with her other grandkids.” On what are you basing this? Have you spoken to your fiance about it? If so, does he agree with you on this?

You’ve given no examples of this and she apparently has said nothing to this effect. You also say that she’s “always been completely kind to me and the baby.”

I don’t see a problem here other than your thinking you actually know what she’s thinking. How can you get yourself to stop doing this? It seems to me you’re undermining yourself, your place in your fiance’s family, your relationship with your MIL, and possibly even your relationship with your fiance and your child’s relationship to his or her grandmother.

I would suggest reaching out to your MIL, inviting her over, offering to spend time with her with your baby. Get to know her better and establish a closer relationship with her.

But please, no paternity test! Imagine what she would think if you presented her with one and she never questioned the paternity of the baby!

— Northeast Mom

Anonymous: Biologically or not, her son is your child’s father. And as such he should be the one to have this conversation with his mother. “Mom, you don’t seem as warm with my baby as your other grandkids and that hurts me. I’d like to talk about what might be causing that distance.” You can leave your medical records out of it.

As you said, there may be other factors, and she may not even be conscious of how she is acting. If it is because she only considers biological children to be her “real” grandchildren (and in this case wrongly thinks otherwise about your child), then that is very sad for her. And I hope you can otherwise surround your baby with family members who will love and accept them without such arbitrary conditions as genetics.

Anonymous: Please do not present your future mother-in-law with a paternity test. What you have in hand is your sense that she is not as warm to your child as she is to her other grandchildren. (Does your partner agree? Have you discussed it?) You are filling in the rest, especially her motive for doing so.

Acting on that assumption, especially in the way that you contemplate, is not a great idea. Imagine what it would suggest about you if you gave her the paternity test, only for her to say that she is irritated by the smell of the baby lotion you use. There is a saying I try to live by: do not attribute to malice what can be attributed to negligence.

If you are right that she isn’t as into your baby, she could have lots of reasons for feeling that way that have nothing to do with you, including that she isn’t that big into infants. Not everyone is suited to deal with children at every age of their childhood. It happens.

Even if you are right that she doesn’t love your child as much as her other grandchildren, you would be better served to learn to live with that. You cannot orchestrate how much others are “invested” in your child. It hurts, I know. You want your child to be loved, and you want to protect your child from not being loved. Living with that disappointment, and teaching your child to do the same, is a part of life and a part of parenting. All you can do is foster as positive a relationship as you can. Good luck.

— Anonymous 2

Anonymous: It’s possible that having a definitive paternity test to show your future mother-in-law would calm any doubts she has about your son on that issue, but it seems from your letter that you have doubts about whether this really is the issue. You mention that you “believe” she has always had suspicions yet in describing the baby as not looking like your fiance’s family you refer to your “feeling.” And “there may be other factors.” If you’re not really sure what she’s thinking or what you perceive as a certain lack of warmth in how she relates to you and your son is about, perhaps the first test to try is to ask her. The paternity test will only verify paternity. It won’t tell you what else may be going on in her mind. Also, the knowledge that you went for a paternity test regarding your son could come back to haunt you later if your son somehow learns about it and asks why. (Skeletons in the closet have a way of popping out when least expected.) How might that impact his relationships with your future husband’s family? Especially with his grandmother?

— Just Saying

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.